Inspired by Gabriel: July 2012

What Makes Me Happy

Today was one of those days when I gave a lot of thoughts to the things that truly make me happy and no matter how few they are I am glad they exist. Half way through laughing it suddenly hits me that I am happy even for a few seconds, but I am happy and I'm doing all I can to multiply those moments. All of the sudden I feel powerful and eager to make changes but then I remember resourcefulness is not of my qualities and by that I mean resources don't lie around and are not within a hand's reach.

But anyways, what are the things that make me happy ?

Everything feels OK, feels normal, feel like I can do anything, feel accepted, feel appreciated when I watch american TV shows, watching them I see more than acting, characters and storylines. I see through, I see what can't be seen with the naked eye. Whenever I watch something beautifully performed I light up like a candle and make no mistake I think that I can perform that scene just as beautiful. Shame, there aren't casting calls available in my area, the only call that is available is a death call from being poor and miserable. Back to the things that make me happy. TV shows aren't the only ones to make me feel happier, but the apple did not fall far from the tree, next in line are award shows such the Annual Academy Awards more known as The Oscars when the entire acting elite gathers together to celebrate all the work that has been done for the last twelve months, to recognize excellence of professionals in the film industry, including directors, actors and writers. I enjoy this show more than I enjoy a movie, and call me crazy but I fantasize all the time walking to the stage and saying an acceptance speech for an Oscar I've received, but hey, who didn't fantasize about that at least once ?

Other awards shows include Golden Globes, Emmys, Grammys, sometimes Tony Awards, Peoples' Choice, MTV Movie Awards and many many others. Watching these shows gives me the chance to get closer to the stars, noticing stuff that any other people won't, because this is the definition of being a loyal fan, being there for me even if you'll never get close enough just to say "hi". I really enjoy watching favorite stars saying acceptance speeches, one of the best speech I've heard so far comes from Sandra Bullock after winning her first Oscar for her stunning performance in The Blind Side.

It doesn't pass a day for me not to listen for some music that simply plays the strings of my soul, we all have a sheet of notes that is amazingly played by the songs we listen every day. Jazz and blues being my favorite music genres. My life would feel pointless and dreadful without having some music in it, amazing personalities such as David Foster made it possible for me, without realizing the magnitude of his reach he made my life easier to bear. His music helped me in the most difficult times of my life which don't seem to end and I'm only surviving thanks to him. I don't even want to imagine how this world would exist if he wasn't born.

Other little things that give me the chance to enjoy really good moments are when I read casting news, who's gonna play who, who are the new characters that are about to enter the spot light, my main sources for learning this stuff are The Hollywood Reporter, The Internet Movie Database (IMDb), TV Guide and last but not the least, TV Fanatic. Even by a bit but I feel I am a part of that world, I really feel like I belong to it. But that's crazy talk so don't mind me. Anyways, being a part of the show-business/ film industry would really make me happy but there is no way for me to be an active part of it, tell me I'm wrong.These are the moments when I smile like crazy, shame they are so few.

Be kind to one another.

"Who Am I" Music Chart 3rd Edition

I think it's time for some music. It's been a while since my last music compilation and since I have some musical obsessions lately it couldn't be more appropriate to share them with you. As usual, these songs are utterly sweet, some of them even inspiring. I guess, this is a reason I fight for living, to inspire as many people as I can. Don't forget to add these to your favorite in case you liked them and also don't forget to sound off below about which you liked the most or simply say something worth sharing. Be kind to one another.

The amazing Mandy Moore and Zachary Levy

Disqus Comment Platform

An important part of every blogging experience is engaging with your readers and what better way for you to do that if not commenting on each others posts. For years now, blogger.com has been the platform I used to deliver my thoughts to the wide public, but unfortunately for blogger, their commenting platform made it a bit difficult for me as for posting a comment I had to go through a few unnecessary steps and sometimes I had to give up on posting some feedback to some articles. Blogger has many deficiencies but having the possibility to change or even upload a brand new template and make unlimited changes makes up for those deficiencies. We all look for tools, gadgets and other catchy things to make our blogging experience more entertaining and for those who still don't know it I would like to introduce you to Disqus Comment Platform, a great way to share your thoughts on what you have read, give someone some feedback or simply engage in interesting discussions.A lot more information on how to integrate this amazing commenting platform plus a back-to-back comparison between Blogger commenting platform and Disqus you can find on one of the most amazing blogs filled with tutorials and lots of changes that you can make to your blog, Mayura4Ever.

Nothing is easier than posting a comment on blogs using Disqus, as you can log in using your facebook account, twitter, google+ or simply entering your name and an email (to receive follow-up).

Once integrated I can promise you if your content is entertaining enough comments will start flowing.

Below you have an example of engagements between users. Have a good day.

Only one way to love

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away."

Although I'm not a fan of the Bible or God but there are no other words to define love better than the ones above. I like the way they sounds "love is patient, love is kind", it makes me feel so comfortable but at the same I tell myself those soothing words to calm down and reduce the self-struggles and the anxiety I feel inside. These words show the kind of love that everybody should benefit from and there is no other kind like it. It pains me to think that there are so many people around the world who need to be loved but have nobody besides them. At some point in our lives we all were loved but it doesn't mean we should settle for the amount of love we already had. Although it comes in small doses we all felt it but for some of us it doesn't pass a day not to crave for some love.

Dare to love because it makes you a better person and only a crazy man wouldn't want that, don't be afraid of not knowing how to love, if your love is genuine you'll know how, just listen to your heart but don't ignore your rationality, love is not to be rationalized but also is not to be followed blindly. Even though not all of us were truly loved there are no real obstacles not to abound in love ourselves, we all learn at some point and there is no other thing more beautiful than learning to love. True love changes you to the very core.

Love is patient, love is kind but sometimes it hurts to, it hurts to love 'cause most of the time you can't tell your heart who to love, most of the time it runs itself, it makes its own choices. Well, all I can say is that time heals, it will take a lot of time to forget the one you truly loved but did not love you back, this is one of the many downsides of life.

There are cases when people fool themselves and lie to themselves that they love but they don't know or refuse to comprehend that what they call love is actually being possessive. Ordering around the object of admiration is not love for sure. Calling names and screaming at each is not called love. Love gives you butterflies, makes you fly, makes you feel like you can move mountains, if while loving you don't feel any of these than it is not love. Love gives you the patience to wait for the changes you've been wanting for quite some time. Love protects you from loneliness, loneliness is good only when it comes in small doses. Love doesn't forget about you, it's always there for you, fights for you, never gives up on you. It surrounds you even if the ones that love are not around, it knows no borders and needs no passports, it can fly, it can swim, it can walk, one minute is here the next one is at a half the world distance comforting the one you can't stop thinking about.

You don't mess with the power of love because it's the most pure thing in the whole world, it heals everything and defeats every evil.

I wish you to know the true form of love, the one that comforts you when you need it the most, that makes you a great person that everyone wants to be like, that inspires to make great things, that makes you help the people that were less fortunate than you and give them a hand and pull them into the light and never give up on them. This is the kind of love I'm wishing for everybody, this is the kind I'm wishing for myself. I wish you to have great love that will inspire filmmakers to shoot true cinematographic works that will live through centuries, great love that will give birth to amazing songs and stunning voices, the kind of love great paintings are based on. Everybody deserves such love and that is why I truly want to believe that there is one more shot for everybody to live one more life from scratch just to have the chance to truly fall in love and never let it go.

I wish every man and woman to find their better halves, I wish for all children to be loved by their parents and never know loneliness and despair, I wish for every parents to be taken care of the right way.

I wish to be enough love so monsters with guns to never see the light of the day, monsters are not born they are made by us, the kind of people who refrain themselves from loving one another, who like to spread misery and hate, I wish to be enough love so we all could put a stop to raising monsters and to never ache from tragedies. There is enough space for everybody, no need to cut throats and take what doesn't belong to you, ....

We are the world, we are the children
We are the ones who make a brighter day
So lets start giving
There's a choice we're making
We're saving our own lives
Its true we'll make a better day
Just you and me.

Be kind to one another.

Things I've Tried

If I were to be asked to come up with a word that sums up the last five years of my life "failure" would be my first choice. If I begin to look back in my days I begin to count on my fingers things I've tried and failed to succeed at them.

I think it was 2008 when a friend of mine suggested for me to apply for an european youth programme called Youth in Action and to be more exact to apply for Action 2: European Voluntary Service. I was a bit stubborn to the idea of leaving the country for a whole year right before I was to apply for university studies, plus I knew on the spot that there was no way my parents would support me on it, and trust me I was right. I can't remember the exact periods of time but I think it was after the first semester when I came back to thinking that applying to that programme wouldn't be such a bad idea. Plus even if I were to be selected I wouldn't leave to serve as a volunteer until september. To apply for that programme every candidate should meet specific requirements and one of them was to be a member of a non-gov organization. Well, at that time I was a member a youth organization for already one year and the timing couldn't be better to apply. My english at that time pretty much sucked but I wasn't afraid of it, as being a volunteer under the Youth in Action programme and more specific under Action 2: European Volunteering Service you benefit from free language classes, according to the hosting country language. I targeted countries where the native language would be english, french, spanish or italian. Some advised me not be to be so picky but I had my reasons to do so. The application consists from a motivation letter that includes a short presentation of yourself, reasons to apply and what can you offer as a volunteer to the project, and of course you must include your CV.

Well, I don't have enough fingers to count how many drafts of motivation letter I have written during the period I was applying, although I took a big break after 2009 I came back to it in 2010 and tried for one more year. I excelled at writing amazing motivation letter but at that time I didn't know the exact requirements for a motivation letter, requirements that are not exactly written somewhere but more expected to be figured out on your own, one of these requirements was for the application not to exceed a volume of no more than one - one and a half pages. I started writing one page motivation letter but towards the end I've been rambling on four pages and surprisingly enough no one was hinting or stopping me. Once giving a review or a feedback after denying the candidate the opportunity of being the actual participant of the programme action is not a requirement almost none of the organizations bothered to do so. The Youth in Action has many shortcomings and deficiencies but I hope it will be improved and successfully metamorphosed into the new Erasmus for All programme launched in the first day of 2013. While applying for this programme it is expected to be supervised by the sending coordinator of your organization but almost the entire I was pretty much alone in it. Well, this is the story and the headline of my life - being alone. All I can be proud of is that I made it dozens of times to the final candidates but I guess there was no match made in heaven for me. So this is all for European Voluntary Service for now.

Once I am a citizen of two countries I thought I'd broad my spectrum of choices. I thought I'd try to go abroad as an Au Pair and take care of kids as I always have loved kids, I've always been patient with people and kids are no exception. I've set a profile on a few websites but no matter how many families I've added to favorites (this way informing them of my intention) very few followed through to actual negotiations. I guess I'm not something a family looks for, I'm slim, not tall, slim body strength, poor eyesight (of course they didn't know about that) but the biggest flaw of them all is being a guy once many families were desiring a female candidate, plus being a candidate from Romania wasn't very appealing either. Back in 2010 I went to UK for the first time to be an Au Pair in a single-parent family with a 6 year old boy, he was amazing although his mother was a cold iceberg. Once arrived in UK I made the epic mistake of giving her the phone to talk with my mom and though I don't know what have they talked about I presume my mother who wasn't a fan of me being an Au Pair told that lady to keep me for a week or so to mime me trying to be the best and then kick me out which after ten days it happened and the reasons were that the kid didn't do his homework, that I went through her computer and saved a bunch of files and many other trivial reasons but in her defense some of them were actual true but in my defense she wasn't very big in giving second chances which I knew I deserved. Well I dodged the bullet that time but I didn't get another chance to prove that I can do it ever since. A few month ago I found a family that was willing to take me in to take care of their two little kids, to be the mother's help to some extent, average paid but considering the situation I was and still am in she was offering me much more and I knew that this time was going to work for sure. But as always luck is not my side. I made a plane ticket reservation but because of the bureaucracy of our national banks the reservation has been canceled and I lost the opportunity to leave for what could be an amazing change. So that was Au Pair.

Since I've failed graduating from university I think it would be fair to count that as a failure too. I knew about that after my first year and I tried to run an idea by my mother as at that time she was the one to call all the shots and that was for me to leave university for a gap year to leave for working a cruise ship as a waiter, the pay is good and training to be one is offered on the ship. As there aren't many agencies to offer this kind of jobs in my country I'd have to go to Romania and apply there but since that involved some finances which I didn't have the final decision was up to my mother and no big shock there she said no as she said no to me going to applying for air attendant classed n Bucharest which cost around one and a half thousands euros and since she has a job in Italy it wouldn't be such a big deal for her. I guess she'd think differently now since she has spent tons of money on me and which all proved to be for nothing and why I refuse to take all the blame.

I can't remember all the things I've given serious thoughts over the years to but these are the most relevant examples, it might not be such a big deal to you and you might think that I'm exaggerating but since I'm the only one who knows the truth I couldn't care less, my parents never were on board with anything, being supportive is a totally unknown concept for them, all I've been hearing from them was "because I said so" or "when you'll the money you'll get to call the shots" or "when you'll your own house you'll get to order everybody around". My family has been a place of no negotiations where the father is the biggest milksop there is and the mother is an hysterical nut-job. Frankly, I despise them and this is all there is to it. I'm stuck here and frankly there is not way out of this misery. If you have any practical advice I'd love to hear it, but please no theoretical advice 'cause I'm sick of it.

Thanks for listening 'cause it is helpful when someone is there to listen, but it would be more helpful to make your presence felt, to make sure for a fact that you have been here. Please leave a message of any kind and I am sincerely thanking you for that.

Love you and be kind to one another.

Recovering

Still recovering from one of the biggest failures of all time, although it wasn't all my fault, I saw it coming but at the same time I refused to believe that something bad is along the way. It will take time, a lot of it, to come back to my usual state which is not a great one but is one I can manage. Being twenty-three years old and having nothing is not a selling point, I still have no money, no girlfriend, no roof over my head, still under my parent's roof who by the way are not very fond of me, well, could not care less as I'm not very fond of them either. The relationships between us degraded to a point of no return. All I want and dream of is to find a way to earn some financial independence and even with living under my parent's roof I'd be able to buy my own food and pay my internet bill on my own, but I guess that's not going to happen any time soon.

What are my talents that I can use to earn some money ? Well, whatever they are, are only good for writing little pathetic articles for a blog that almost no one reads. I'm so tired staring through the window and daydreaming but I have nothing else to do for myself. I've tried applying for studies in a country where I thought that it would work but I failed miserably and while other people have some people besides them to help them recover faster and put themselves back on track as fast as possible I am doing it on my own, I'm doing all I can and there is a shred of me that thinks that I am doing a good job.

You don't know me so don't try to judge me, I know I wouldn't do it so please pay me the same respect. I've been through a lot, it often felt like I'm alone against the world and the only people that should have been there for me to support me and say nice words every now and then were a part of the world I was against at.

There is no greater pain for me that living in a world where I'm not desired, it wouldn't be such a big thing if ... I don't know ... it feels like I'm going over and over about the same thing, about how I'm feeling betrayed by my own, about how every little thing reminds me of the things I never had from the people that should have helped me become an extraordinary human being, they didn't believe in me and yet other people expected to believe in myself. I'm tired of being the only bad guy, people should be on my side for a change.

Thinking of changing my name but that implies changing my living situation first, I'd like to reinvent myself but I can't do that while I am where I am now. I couldn't feel more worthless than I do now, nobody has a lower opinion than myself. But I guess all that is true if I wasn't able able to succeed in something. I hate myself for writing things like these but I wanna write and life seems to have nothing else for me other than this pure crap.

My "Friday the 13th" Story

I've always thought that luck has certain difficulties in finding its to me and I've never been wrong. In romanian there two different words for luck and bad luck, in english as you see not so much, there is luck and a "slightly" different kind of luck - bad luck, yet luck. Well, this one isn't any different compared to good luck when it comes to finding its way to me. Not that I'm waiting for it, I'm acknowledging its existence, I'm taking into consideration that it may come but waiting ? No. But it's not like we have a choice, there are many thing we can't control, luck is one of them. To know what a hell am I talking about I'm gonna tell you a little story. My "Friday the 13th" story.

I won't always get to the point so have a little patience with me. Earlier in the spring, I got to think once I have failed to graduate from university a year ago I would like to try once again, from scratch, apply for university and make it work this time. But then I gave up, see, my grades from national exams weren't that great, I don't have any financial or moral support from my relatives, maybe some friends but there are great decisions to be taken and friends might be not enough. Being desperate and stepping out from one big depression into another there aren't many choices so I came back to the idea of applying for university studies. It took me along time to make the decision, see when you're alone and almost no one gives a flying fuck about you it takes a lot longer to make some decisions, some right decision.

I had a little saved-up money, the money I have left from an UK training I took participation, I thought to myself that I'll keep this money and maybe find a job in another country and buy a plane ticket and fly out and never come back ever again. I had an opportunity to work for a family as an au pair from two months with possibility to come back to them in the fall, I've talked to them via Skype and they seemed very lovely and I've considered myself lucky. But feeling lucky wasn't the only feeling I had at that time, I've been scared, mortified and stressed 'cause here is one more situation when my parents will not be on my side, I will never ever get to know what a parent supporting his child not only financially but morally too means. and so I've lost that opportunity because the bureaucracy played its card and because of some misunderstandings I've lost my plane ticket reservation and that family didn't have the time to wait for me. I'll try not to bore you and get back to my main storyline. It took me days to finally get all the papers I needed and thought that I have two more days ahead of me to apply but not so fast.

As sick as I am of this country I am living in I've decided that this time I'm gonna study in Bucharest, Romania so I took the latest bus on July 13th to Bucharest thinking "hey, I had a nice day, Friday 13th is not such a bad day" well it was to soon to put an end to that day. I've been having a feeling that something is wrong, that whoever or whatever there is, is not done screwing with me. Once arrived in Bucharest I've realized that is Saturday and not all banks are open for me to pay the application fee, it took me 3 hours to find a working bank, the right bank and finally make the payment. I walked back to the faculty (of journalism at the University of Bucharest) and I began filling in some forms and waiting patiently to hand out my papers and get the bus back to my country, my "dear" Eastern European Republic of Moldova (I wrote the long name just to mock it a bit). The entire time I've been there I had the feeling that any second now something will go terribly wrong. But there I got some questions about my Baccalaureate Diploma and the fact that I was applying as a Romanian citizen but my Diploma has been obtained while studying in Moldova and according to the admission methodology I could not do that, it's either I'm applying as a Moldavian student with a moldavian baccalaureate diploma or I am applying as a romanian candidate with an officially recognized moldavian baccalaureate diploma by the Romanian Ministry of Education which in weekends is not open for such things, but even if it was it takes up to five days to issue a certificate stating that my diploma is authentic.

Even if I was stressed like hell there were moments when I've been thinking about telling jokes to my friends from my trip to Bucharest such as "Hey, Guinness reps should contact me and offer the possibility of having me included in the actual book for walking dozens of miles in the sun looking for banks, bus stations, waiting for buses while being burned by the sun and all that in a short amount of time" 'cause by 5 PM I was back at the bus to Chisinau (back to my home country). I thought I'd be returning back to Bucharest tonight and try some begging on the Romanian Ministry of Education workers and ask them to certificate the authenticity of my high-school diploma but yesterday I didn't know that the shortest amount of time to do that is five days. I've been planning to fall into a big depression as the sun doesn't want to shine for me, planning to have deep regrets of spending a big amount of money and all that has been for nothing, I still have some money but that will go for internet bills as I won't let my last thing to be taken away from me, so just in case you don't notice a new articles in more then to weeks it means I have ran out of money and having nothing to pay the internet bill with.

Damn, my thoughts are random, they don't like order, hell, I don't like order, I never knew order, I've been taught what order is actually about, not just some twisted, made up version of order that has been pushed on me.

Conclusion: It's not the Friday the 13th you should be scared off, it's the day that follow you should beware of.

This is it for now, more broke than ever and already planning to write another pitiful sad story about my miserable, pathetic existence. See ya suckers.

Vote for Best Interpretation of "Who You Are" Song

What are saying about a music battle between two interpretation of the same song ?

Before giving your vote listen to both version. I for one like them both.

First in is Jessie J with Who You Are.

Second in is Megan Hilty and her interpretation of Jessie's Who You Are.

Who You Are lyrics

Crying in the rain.

Crying in the rain - no, it's not a title for a poem of some kind, it's just how my life feels now. I feel like I'm disappointing some of my readers, or simply feels like disappointing everybody. If I were to be asked to draw an image that would represent my life I would draw myself walking and crying in the rain using only greyish colors. No light, no sun. In a twisted way sounds like the best dramatic novel yet to be published, but living it I can only say that it is tragic and painful. Nothing worth to write about.

Why am I writing about this ? Because it's the only thing I can do to ease the pain, it's the only thing that works. It's makes no difference, it makes no sense desperately trying to get my life into my own hands. I just realized that it never belonged to me.

These days I was watching the first season of NBC's Smash, an amazing new series but now I'm not going to talk about how awesome this series is but I'm just going to mention that is revolves around Marilyn Monroe's life, about how amazing she was and how she never got to live her life the way she wanted to or wished for herself. I got to think a bit about her, about how under-appreciated she was, that almost no one gave her the credit that she really deserved. Almost no one saw her for what she truly was, didn't see how amazing she was.

And then, I got to thinking about why she was so brilliant. She was a screwed up kid, as a child she wasn't loved the way that every kid in this world deserves to be loved, in a way abandoned by her certifiably nuts mother, being sexually abused and later having three failed marriages killed every bit of confidence she might have had.

Many years after her death some people have finally realized the true loss, but for Marilyn herself it was way too late. About people who have lived a full life we say that after their deaths they are going to live in our memories and what they've done for others will live beyond time. But I think it doesn't mean anything when the ones that is to be remembered after leaving this world lived their lives rather miserably. The minute you die that's it, there is no afterlife, but even if it does exist we can't possibly know that is a better one to make up for all the misery we had to go through in this life. If there is an afterlife then it's not worth waiting for it if we need to go through our own share of crap that somehow we "won" in some kind of twisted lottery.

Marilyn got to be this brilliant because of her own screwed up existence, she got what she could out of her misery, her misery made her existence to be extraordinary but as I said very few people got to see it. She is long gone and what I am feeling most sorry for is that she will never know how amazing she was despite the fact that people did highly under-appreciated her. She is long gone but vultures keep making millions out of her misery and almost never they are paying her the respect that she deserves.

On august 5th it will be 50 years since her death, still no one knows the real reasons of her death and perhaps no one will ever know, but what it's already known is that she will be missed. The world still hasn't learned its lesson and many amazing personalities one by one keep leaving this world, personalities such as Whitney Houston, Amy Winehouse and many others, some of them never got shine to their full potential but still will be remembered for a long time. It kills me knowing that they weren't treated they way that they deserved, 'cause if they were they still would be with us today and world would've been a nice place to live, it would have been easier to cope with pain caused by wars and other mass destructive forces.

I began writing this article with the intention of telling you my story but I've ended up telling a bit of Marilyn's story. About me I can say that I fear that my life is coming to an end, don't know when is it going be but it feel like it's going to be soon. It's been more than a decade since my life became unbearable and not wroth living, I hate life and every single thing that there is to it. I don't wanna live but the world won't let me go. I'm screaming but no one seems to hear. You have probably heard it before and that's why many of you will not pay any attention and not matter how much I wanna blame other people for my failures I won't, no matter how much they deserve to be blamed. I've made my mistakes but any of these mistakes initially were desperate measures to take ownership of my life but as I said in the beginning it was never mine.

Just a peak of the day I had so far: Me to My So-called Mother: "Keep your nose out of my life, when I'll have something to tell to you I will" My So-called Mother: "Then go fuck yourself".

I refuse to take all blame for what some psychologists call [miserable] life. I will not have it. Now, after having written about some of the things that happened to me lately it feels easier to live this life by a millionth, for the most mortals it's insignificant, but then again, I'm not most mortals, if there is no one to give me this little of credit I will.

The end.

P.S. Be good to one another and maybe you'll get to save a life preventing somebody to take their own life.

23rd is a charm! | My Freaking Birthday

I'm not happy, I'm not sad, kind of indifferent, I don't care, keeping acting cool like nothing special is happening or going to happen today. Birthdays are for those who have aims and objectives, I don't have any of that. Birthdays are also for those who have a lot of significant achievements by the time they're 23, for instance. I have very few with questionable significances at best. For one day I'll put my self-pity on hold, not going to regret anything, tomorrow is another day, I'll have enough time for self-pity.

This day barely started but I'm already wishing it to end, not going to visit facebook or any other social network (just for today, don't make any assumptions) just planning a little gathering of few people I like seeing and who will make me feel normal, not asking for too much, just for some normality.

Today, for the first time I'm going to blow twenty-three birthday candles, and if it's not pathetic enough I bought them myself. You might wonder what kind of parents I have, well don't. It's going to be good, I feel it's going to be a birthday to remembers, to recall it when I'm gonna be old and tell it to my grand kids, and that's if i ever decide to have kids, it will be a miracle considering how much my parents messed up. But enough about them, today is about me, and about my friends, don't like to be in the center of attention, that's why I'm gonna drag them in the center of attention too.

What my birthday wishes are ?

For several minutes I've been staring at causes.com page thinking about whether to start a cause in my own name or not, trying to decide of whether it's good that I want to help myself or that is rather pathetic. I've tried so many things and have failed so many times, life is hard, life is not for softies, life is not easy for those who are alone but even though I'm alone I have never stopped trying though at times it is damn hard to get out of bed and make myself a cup of tea, metaphorically speaking, I don't drink tea. I drink tea only when I go visit my neighbors or want to have long discussions with my friends, or as I like to call them "people I happen to know and have couple of things in common".

Often I think that I have so much to say but there is almost no one to listen, I'd say that there is no one but I'd be lying and it wouldn't be fare to some of you guys. For almost a year now I've struggling living my life and not that I have not struggled before but the last twelve months have been particularly difficult for me, struggling making a choice that would suit me and my parents who later would support me but I've realized that there is no such thing. It's either you follow their orders exactly or you go to hell. I chose the second one.

Inspired by Gabriel