Thoughts That Go Through My Mind

In the following minutes I will try to write every single thing that goes through my mind. I am staring at this text editor and I forgot how it looks since the last time I used it. It's been a long time and in this rhythm I will bleed every single reader I have left but I don't care, since I am in pain almost the entire time I wouldn't be interested either in reading depressing posts that would make me kill myself. So, every reader seeking interesting posts to read stumbled upon this piece of ... work wants to leave so be it. I am not god at making people do stuff, I can advise them but most certainly not obligate them do stuff that they don't want to do.

Man, this tooth ache is a bitch, it's been going on for hours, on a scale from 1 to 10 it's a certain 7, bearable but it's more than enough that if it won't go away in the next few hours I'll go crazy, or to be more exact I'll come closer to what people call certifiably nuts. Generally speaking, on that very same scale, pain is always a seven, and it doesn't matter if it's physical or spiritual. Of course there are tons of moments when it's more than a seven, but for now there is a person in my life, my best friend who in a miraculous way manages to bring me to a five, my pain doesn't go lower than a five, yet it's more that I could have hopped for. Considering what I've gone through and am still going through I'd be happy to be on a five for the rest of my life. Life is pain, I have never known a person who didn't know pain, many of us have our own definitions but in the end we all feel pain. 

This time I won't be so concerned about this post looking perfect yet old habits die hard, I will read the same sentence dozens of times and see if it sounds good to my internal ear, see if it's close to perfection, usually I set the text alignment to "justify", this time I won't be doing that, don't know why, usually it matter to me, now it simply does not, perhaps it's because very few people will get the patience to read it and even fewer will have any patience left to write down a comment saying "I Feel for you", "I'm here for you" or "How can I help". It would be cruel to myself to kid myself that through this blog I will achieve anything but today I had a revelation, one of the many reasons of why I kept blogging is to find my person, and a few months back I succeeded, "succeeded" a word I never thought I'd say yet it happened, I succeed at finding that person, I found her, she found me, we both found each other, we depend on each other, sometimes it's rather amazing, but other times we're both aching as life doesn't treat us well, and as much as it kills us we can't do anything to change that, with no doubts or whatsoever, I am strongly convinced that we deserve to be acknowledged and be awarded for our constant and ruthless fights against those loads of pain that the people who are supposed to protect us send in our ways. 

She doesn't hate her enemies, I hate mine, I've got so good at hating people that I have enough hate for her enemies as well, I do not wish them well and whenever something bad happens to my enemies I am a little bit happy, but of course I am only human and I feel bad for them too, but that bit of joy and happiness will never go away, and I will smile inside, only for me to see and feel. Karma's a bitch, I love karma, I wish she'd visit me more often as I think I've done a lot of good deeds and will not ever stop doing good deeds but I'd like to be rewarded in some ways, even with money, why not, saying that I wouldn't take money it would be lying and I hate liars. I may not say the entire truth, but lying? No way in hell. 

I'm in pain, I know I already said that but I am in pain, my teeth hurt, my left knee hurts, earlier in the day my heart skipped a bit, and if not all that my soul hurts 'cause I've got one, but I'd rather sell it, it doesn't do any good to me. 

I am a garden, dreams come out of me, they're green, they feed off the sun and rain, I like rain, I used to hate it, I used to be scared of big thunderstorms but now I love them, but back to being a garden, but there are people in my life who act as big rusty bulldozers who only have one aim, to crush my dreams before they hit maturity. Kinda getting tired of dreaming but I know that it's in my DNA, there is nothing I can do about that. Most of the time dreaming is all I have, most of the time dreaming is my morphine. But sometimes is that pain I am so busy getting rid off. 

Oh life. I don't want you, and yet I want you. I don't wanna live, and yet I don't wanna die, I'm scared to die, yet I'm scared to live. Twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week I am scared, and helpless, and useless, and feeling sorry for myself,  I have almost lived a quarter of a century and compared to some life spans I've lived a third of a life, and I've done nothing for the humanity, this world is a bad place to live and I wanna change that but there isn't anything I can do. 

My DNA embeds all the wrong characteristics for this time, for this space, for this country, for this part of the world, for these parents, for this house. 

About house, every time I think of this word it hits me that there is a certain difference between house and home, although my entire life I had a roof over my had I never had a home where I felt protected, I had a house where I felt neglected, unwanted and upset. I think I am the youngest kid ever in this family to feel the desire to die, I remember being little and banging my head against the wall after my brother kept harassing me, and while crying I used to say that I don't wanna live, but should a kid know what life and death means at a such young age?

Every now and then I see the pain of others, I see little kids aching, I see pain that even adults fall victims to, I see pain that is barely bearable, and they say such words that I am amazed and conflicted at the same time. They're little geniuses and philosophers and they deserve a loving family, loyal friends and normal living conditions no more studying under the candle light, bearing the cold that gets through the cold walls and endure hunger 'cause the don't have anything to eat, I wanna help them out but I am no one, it kills me that there are thousands of people around the globe who keep doing stupid things and spending money on useless stuff while millions of people bear hunger and thirst. I'll give you a few examples: Kim Kardashian, Roman Abramovich, Mark Cuban. 

If, in a million years, I get to be a millionaire and live against the beliefs I have at these moments please kill me. 

Everyday going to sleep I have one wish, to fall into a deep coma and never wake up, and for my organs to be donated to kids, that way I'll get to live through them. 

The following is addressed to a special someone, she knows who's that person. 

Hey, if you're reading this piece of article don't get sad, at least not very sad, just a little, I'm sorry that a part of your happiness depends on me, and I'm sorry that a piece of my happiness depends on you, and I don't know if I will ever get through all this but if I do, I promise to keep you close by, you are the closest thing that comes to a great companion for my journey. I'm sorry this is not a perfect world, but if it were I'd take you far away from the people who have hurt you so many times and so deep, once you asked me what would you do if you were omnipotent, well, if I were omnipotent I'd take you out of there, take you and other friends of mine with whom we share life similarities, build a house and name it "The Central Perk", I know you would love that, I know you that much. That house would signify our second take to a great life, start, literally start from that house and who knows where life would lead us from there, but I'd sleep a lot better knowing that we stood a real chance.

Don't know what else to say so I'll leave it just that. 

See you next time, whenever that will be. 

Be kind to one another and maybe you'll get to change a life.

Things I've Tried

If I were to be asked to come up with a word that sums up the last five years of my life "failure" would be my first choice. If I begin to look back in my days I begin to count on my fingers things I've tried and failed to succeed at them.

I think it was 2008 when a friend of mine suggested for me to apply for an european youth programme called Youth in Action and to be more exact to apply for Action 2: European Voluntary Service. I was a bit stubborn to the idea of leaving the country for a whole year right before I was to apply for university studies, plus I knew on the spot that there was no way my parents would support me on it, and trust me I was right.  I can't remember the exact periods of time but I think it was after the first semester when I came back to thinking that applying to that programme wouldn't be such a bad idea. Plus even if I were to be selected I wouldn't leave to serve as a volunteer until september. To apply for that programme every candidate should meet specific requirements and one of them was to be a member of a non-gov organization. Well, at that time I was a member a youth organization for already one year and the timing couldn't be better to apply. My english at that time pretty much sucked but I wasn't afraid of it, as being a volunteer under the Youth in Action programme and more specific under Action 2: European Volunteering Service you benefit from free language classes, according to the  hosting country language. I targeted countries where the native language would be english, french, spanish or italian. Some advised me not be to be so picky but I had my reasons to do so. The application consists from a motivation letter that includes a short presentation of yourself, reasons to apply and what can you offer as a volunteer to the project, and of course you must include your CV. 

Well, I don't have enough fingers to count how many drafts of motivation letter I have written during the period I was applying, although I took a big break after 2009 I came back to it in 2010 and tried for one more year. I excelled at writing amazing motivation letter but at that time I didn't know the exact requirements for a motivation letter, requirements that are not exactly written somewhere but more expected to be figured out on your own, one of these requirements was for the application not to exceed a volume of no more than one - one and a half pages. I started writing one page motivation letter but towards the end I've been rambling on four pages and surprisingly enough no one was hinting or stopping me. Once giving a review or a feedback after denying the candidate the opportunity of being the actual participant of the programme action is not a requirement almost none of the organizations bothered to do so. The Youth in Action has many shortcomings and deficiencies but I hope it will be improved and successfully metamorphosed into the new Erasmus for All programme launched in the first day of 2013. While applying for this programme it is expected to be supervised by the sending coordinator of your organization but almost the entire I was pretty much alone in it. Well, this is the story and the headline of my life - being alone. All I can be proud of is that I made it dozens of times to the final candidates but I guess there was no match made in heaven for me. So this is all for European Voluntary Service for now.

Once I am a citizen of two countries I thought I'd broad my spectrum of choices. I thought I'd try to go abroad as an Au Pair and take care of kids as I always have loved kids, I've always been patient with people and kids are no exception. I've set a profile on a few websites but no matter how many families I've added to favorites (this way informing them of my intention) very few followed through to actual negotiations. I guess I'm not something a family looks for, I'm slim, not tall, slim body strength, poor eyesight (of course they didn't know about that) but the biggest flaw of them all is being a guy once many families were desiring a female candidate, plus being a candidate from Romania wasn't very appealing either. Back in 2010 I went to UK for the first time to be an Au Pair in a single-parent family with a 6 year old boy, he was amazing although his mother was a cold iceberg. Once arrived in UK I made the epic mistake of giving her the phone to talk with my mom and though I don't know what have they talked about I presume my mother who wasn't a fan of me being an Au Pair told that lady to keep me for a week or so to mime me trying to be the best and then kick me out which after ten days it happened and the reasons were that the kid didn't do his homework, that I went through her computer and saved a bunch of files and many other trivial reasons but in her defense some of them were actual true but in my defense she wasn't very big in giving second chances which I knew I deserved. Well I dodged the bullet that time but I didn't get another chance to prove that I can do it ever since. A few month ago I found a family that was willing to take me in to take care of their two little kids, to be the mother's help to some extent, average paid but considering the situation I was and still am in she was offering me much more and I knew that this time was going to work for sure. But as always luck is not my side. I made a plane ticket reservation but because of the bureaucracy of our national banks the reservation has been canceled and I lost the opportunity to leave for what could be an amazing change. So that was Au Pair.

Since I've failed graduating from university I think it would be fair to count that as a failure too. I knew about that after my first year and I tried to run an idea by my mother as at that time she was the one to call all the shots and that was for me to leave university for a gap year to leave for working a cruise ship as a waiter, the pay is good and training to be one is offered on the ship. As there aren't many agencies to offer this kind of jobs in my country I'd have to go to Romania and apply there but since that involved some finances which I didn't have the final decision was up to my mother and no big shock there she said no as she said no to me going to applying for air attendant classed n Bucharest which cost around one and a half thousands euros and since she has a job in Italy it wouldn't be such a big deal for her. I guess she'd think differently now since she has spent tons of money on me and which all proved to be for nothing and why I refuse to take all the blame.

I can't remember all the things I've given serious thoughts over the years to but these are the most relevant examples, it might not be such a big deal to you and you might think that I'm exaggerating but since I'm the only one who knows the truth I couldn't care less, my parents never were on board with anything, being supportive is a totally unknown concept for them, all I've been hearing from them was "because I said so" or "when you'll the money you'll get to call the shots" or "when you'll your own house you'll get to order everybody around". My family has been a place of no negotiations where the father is the biggest milksop there is and the mother is an hysterical nut-job. Frankly, I despise them and this is all there is to it. I'm stuck here and frankly there is not way out of this misery. If you have any practical advice I'd love to hear it, but please no theoretical advice 'cause I'm sick of it. 

Thanks for listening 'cause it is helpful when someone is there to listen, but it would be more helpful to make your presence felt, to make sure for a fact that you have been here. Please leave a message of any kind and I am sincerely thanking you for that.

Love you and be kind to one another.

Not All Dreams Come True

No matter how much sometimes you dare to dream, send happy thoughts into the universe, no matter what you do some of your dreams will never come true and that's sad. It's not because of something you did or did not do, it's because of your condition. Not sure if I said it right. But to elaborate I'd add that no matter how much you fight it may not be enough. Some people are alone in their fights for a better future. They want to see the light at the end of the tunnel but eventually very few of them get to see it. It's hard to get what you want when you're alone with no support system of whatsoever.

Once I said that "I have a flame in my soul, too small to cause a fire, too big to die." Not sure if anyone said before but it sounds so right, it's sounds like a definition of my very own being and about my entire existence. 

I'd say dare to dream but only as long as you have a support system, these two words define today's day for me, it's not like I've realized it all of the sudden that I have no support system but it did hit me once again. It is believe that as much as a dreamer one is, is directly proportional to how much one is unhappy. The less one dreams, the happy one is. If you're aware that usually you dream big and it makes unhappy and miserable you better next time kill it before it becomes big, it's not worth it. But if you know that you're not alone in it then all you have to do is to look for it in yourself and fight.

Life is the Best Acting School

I've had dreams and nightmares about the stupid wish of becoming an actor someday, this is one the most stupid things you've ever heard (you'll probably think). It will never happen to me, but it doesn't mean it has to be the same for you. If you have the possibility to relocate yourself into the States go ahead and do it, that would be the first thing to do on your journey to becoming an actor. Relocate yourself somewhere where commercials and movies are filmed: New York, Los Angeles and other places I don't know about. If you had the bad luck of meeting people who don't believe in you screw them, if you feel, and I say feel, then don't let them get into your head and screw with it. No one knows better than you what are you capable of. Don't let anyone tell you what you can and cannot do. 

With every movie I watch I have moments when I think to myself "Hey, I could that", 'cause I know I can, I feel that I can. It hurts at the same time that I'm not able to perform those scenes but I hold my head high, I won't go easy, "When I go to my grave, My head will be high" (Michelle Pfeiffer in Dangerous Minds). I know great scenes when I see them, scenes that are worth to be seen by every living soul on this earth 'cause they can teach so many things, and can do so many things better than they were.

There isn't a better school to teach you to be an actor other than life. A friend of mine who's unfortunate as me told me that the main quality to have in order to excel as an actor is empathy - the capacity to understand through your own being what other people feel, think or need. I mean this is what being an actor means, breathe life into characters. You know you're already an actor when watching amazing dramatic scenes you start shivering, you feel electrified, you want to scream.

How to Change an Unbalanced World

Growing up I kept thinking that changing myself into a better person everyone else will follow subconsciously my example and finally make some visible changes as an ensemble. Now I've come to a place in my life where I began to question and seriously doubt that. But before lashing out on the world about how pissed I am I want to take a trip down the memory lane and remember all the good things I did towards a better world of tomorrow.

I am no saint, I'm far from being one and never intend to be, I just treat others the way I want to be treated, but considering we don't live in a perfect world that hardly is a rule. Some people I know may argue with that and say that some people are treated badly by me, but in my defense I'm just applying my own not-so-much rule of treating them the way I was treated. I'm revengeful that way.

I've always been a lousy student, high-school or university, these institution failed to teach me a lot of things such as never throw garbage wherever I please to, say "thank you" whenever is the case but also in cases there is no need to, just to make someone's day, failed to teach treating others with basic respect, failed to teach to never judge somebody without having some facts, and I can go on and on but the idea is I taught that myself out of my principle of never treating others the way I don't want to be treated, is that simple.

All The Doors Are Closed.

I keep knocking on different doors but it seems I'm knocking on the wrong ones. Some of them may open but the minute they see me those doors close right back. It is basically impossible to count all those doors, all my fingers and toes are not enough to count them. There are moments when I'm surprised and stunned of myself, I'm surviving what seem to be the worst moments of my life when I have nobody by my side, when I've made the worst possible decisions but for some of them I can't be entirely blamed, I will not accept it, I won't admit of doing wrong.

I keep thinking that there is more than this for me, I want to believe that for all the misery I've been through, life will make up for all of it.

Damn, isn't this a boring blog ? I've made my best at doing a good job, I've excelled in blogging, more than others, I've asked for advice, I ignored it most of the time but I eventually came around and made this blog look more positive and warmer even if the content lacks positivism and warmth.

I'm getting tired of asking for help, I'm getting tired of screaming when nobody seems to hear so if you wanna read my blog, this article, anything, it's up to you. I want to pay you with respect more than I want bigger ratings and popularity.