Thoughts That Go Through My Mind

In the following minutes I will try to write every single thing that goes through my mind. I am staring at this text editor and I forgot how it looks since the last time I used it. It's been a long time and in this rhythm I will bleed every single reader I have left but I don't care, since I am in pain almost the entire time I wouldn't be interested either in reading depressing posts that would make me kill myself. So, every reader seeking interesting posts to read stumbled upon this piece of ... work wants to leave so be it. I am not god at making people do stuff, I can advise them but most certainly not obligate them do stuff that they don't want to do.

Man, this tooth ache is a bitch, it's been going on for hours, on a scale from 1 to 10 it's a certain 7, bearable but it's more than enough that if it won't go away in the next few hours I'll go crazy, or to be more exact I'll come closer to what people call certifiably nuts. Generally speaking, on that very same scale, pain is always a seven, and it doesn't matter if it's physical or spiritual. Of course there are tons of moments when it's more than a seven, but for now there is a person in my life, my best friend who in a miraculous way manages to bring me to a five, my pain doesn't go lower than a five, yet it's more that I could have hopped for. Considering what I've gone through and am still going through I'd be happy to be on a five for the rest of my life. Life is pain, I have never known a person who didn't know pain, many of us have our own definitions but in the end we all feel pain. 

This time I won't be so concerned about this post looking perfect yet old habits die hard, I will read the same sentence dozens of times and see if it sounds good to my internal ear, see if it's close to perfection, usually I set the text alignment to "justify", this time I won't be doing that, don't know why, usually it matter to me, now it simply does not, perhaps it's because very few people will get the patience to read it and even fewer will have any patience left to write down a comment saying "I Feel for you", "I'm here for you" or "How can I help". It would be cruel to myself to kid myself that through this blog I will achieve anything but today I had a revelation, one of the many reasons of why I kept blogging is to find my person, and a few months back I succeeded, "succeeded" a word I never thought I'd say yet it happened, I succeed at finding that person, I found her, she found me, we both found each other, we depend on each other, sometimes it's rather amazing, but other times we're both aching as life doesn't treat us well, and as much as it kills us we can't do anything to change that, with no doubts or whatsoever, I am strongly convinced that we deserve to be acknowledged and be awarded for our constant and ruthless fights against those loads of pain that the people who are supposed to protect us send in our ways. 

She doesn't hate her enemies, I hate mine, I've got so good at hating people that I have enough hate for her enemies as well, I do not wish them well and whenever something bad happens to my enemies I am a little bit happy, but of course I am only human and I feel bad for them too, but that bit of joy and happiness will never go away, and I will smile inside, only for me to see and feel. Karma's a bitch, I love karma, I wish she'd visit me more often as I think I've done a lot of good deeds and will not ever stop doing good deeds but I'd like to be rewarded in some ways, even with money, why not, saying that I wouldn't take money it would be lying and I hate liars. I may not say the entire truth, but lying? No way in hell. 

I'm in pain, I know I already said that but I am in pain, my teeth hurt, my left knee hurts, earlier in the day my heart skipped a bit, and if not all that my soul hurts 'cause I've got one, but I'd rather sell it, it doesn't do any good to me. 

I am a garden, dreams come out of me, they're green, they feed off the sun and rain, I like rain, I used to hate it, I used to be scared of big thunderstorms but now I love them, but back to being a garden, but there are people in my life who act as big rusty bulldozers who only have one aim, to crush my dreams before they hit maturity. Kinda getting tired of dreaming but I know that it's in my DNA, there is nothing I can do about that. Most of the time dreaming is all I have, most of the time dreaming is my morphine. But sometimes is that pain I am so busy getting rid off. 

Oh life. I don't want you, and yet I want you. I don't wanna live, and yet I don't wanna die, I'm scared to die, yet I'm scared to live. Twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week I am scared, and helpless, and useless, and feeling sorry for myself,  I have almost lived a quarter of a century and compared to some life spans I've lived a third of a life, and I've done nothing for the humanity, this world is a bad place to live and I wanna change that but there isn't anything I can do. 

My DNA embeds all the wrong characteristics for this time, for this space, for this country, for this part of the world, for these parents, for this house. 

About house, every time I think of this word it hits me that there is a certain difference between house and home, although my entire life I had a roof over my had I never had a home where I felt protected, I had a house where I felt neglected, unwanted and upset. I think I am the youngest kid ever in this family to feel the desire to die, I remember being little and banging my head against the wall after my brother kept harassing me, and while crying I used to say that I don't wanna live, but should a kid know what life and death means at a such young age?

Every now and then I see the pain of others, I see little kids aching, I see pain that even adults fall victims to, I see pain that is barely bearable, and they say such words that I am amazed and conflicted at the same time. They're little geniuses and philosophers and they deserve a loving family, loyal friends and normal living conditions no more studying under the candle light, bearing the cold that gets through the cold walls and endure hunger 'cause the don't have anything to eat, I wanna help them out but I am no one, it kills me that there are thousands of people around the globe who keep doing stupid things and spending money on useless stuff while millions of people bear hunger and thirst. I'll give you a few examples: Kim Kardashian, Roman Abramovich, Mark Cuban. 

If, in a million years, I get to be a millionaire and live against the beliefs I have at these moments please kill me. 

Everyday going to sleep I have one wish, to fall into a deep coma and never wake up, and for my organs to be donated to kids, that way I'll get to live through them. 

The following is addressed to a special someone, she knows who's that person. 

Hey, if you're reading this piece of article don't get sad, at least not very sad, just a little, I'm sorry that a part of your happiness depends on me, and I'm sorry that a piece of my happiness depends on you, and I don't know if I will ever get through all this but if I do, I promise to keep you close by, you are the closest thing that comes to a great companion for my journey. I'm sorry this is not a perfect world, but if it were I'd take you far away from the people who have hurt you so many times and so deep, once you asked me what would you do if you were omnipotent, well, if I were omnipotent I'd take you out of there, take you and other friends of mine with whom we share life similarities, build a house and name it "The Central Perk", I know you would love that, I know you that much. That house would signify our second take to a great life, start, literally start from that house and who knows where life would lead us from there, but I'd sleep a lot better knowing that we stood a real chance.

Don't know what else to say so I'll leave it just that. 

See you next time, whenever that will be. 

Be kind to one another and maybe you'll get to change a life.