Moving On

Yesterday I wrote a few lines describing my mood and I said "I've got some moving to do, again ..." well today that couldn't be more appropriate, if I were a psychic I'd say I knew something bad would happen that would make me think like this. But I'm not sure that I can move on, I need some closure, I need to mourn, and since there is no one around who would understand, I am once again alone in this and I gotta make the good out of the worst, but soon I might find out that this is not the worst, that is just the beginning.

Before proceeding with some details about what exactly happened that has thrown me into a deep massive depression I would like to apologize to all of you who are reading this post right now. Several weeks ago I renamed my blog from "Who Am I? Still Finding Out ..." to "Inspired by Gabriel" since I stopped looking for who I am a change was more than appropriate. Although "Who Am I? ..." was a big part of my blogging history I didn't want to make a big fuss about it and write a whole article about that. A lot of changes have occurred since I've launched this blog. And many more are scheduled to appear, sometime in the near or far future, we'll just have to wait. But back to apologizing. Some of my stories are written to inspire to become better friends, better people, better parents. Some stories are to inspire to do good things more often to more people. Other stories are about people whose examples are worth following. Also there stories that make you smile but if I take a minute to think there aren't many of that kind, the one that would make you smile, most of my stories are sad as my life is. And with that I feel guilty and feel like I'm disappointing, I wanna inspire you in a specific way but I'm failing to do that.

In one of my previous posts I've summarized the things I've tried to succeed in. I've tried applying to uni several times, failed. Applied to the Youth in Action programme, Action 2 European Voluntary Service, failed. Tried finding a job, found one, didn't stick, failed. Tried to find an Au Pair/baby-sitting job, failed.I've tried some other things but I haven't slept all night last night so I can't think normally. It's just the afternoon in the eastern europe but I think I'm going to sleep as much as I can 'cause staying awake is not worth it.

I made a big mistake by applying to Youth in Action, European Voluntary Service section, again, I wrote another motivation letter for a specific project in United Kingdom, I wrote it from scratch specifically for them, I tried to respect all the requirements, I've sent the application and it's been eight days since I've done that and today I got the answer I already knew I was going to get. Have a wild guess, it starts with "Unfortunately, ..." and if you think that is bad imagine me doing this for dozens of times for two and a half years with some break every once in a while. Most of the time I was alone in it, as I am in most things, but this is one thing every candidate needs supervision with and since my youth organization lacks team members I was either doing it alone or not doing it at all. And even if that doesn't draw you a picture imagine my mother coming home soon, my number one enemy is coming home and imagine a dog sick with rabies never shutting the fuck up well that is my mother. She won't back down no matter how loud you scream or how many tears you shed, you're an ant for her and she won't mind squashing you down. She won't miss the chance of reminding me of all my failures and how not listening to her "orders" and "indication" got me buried deep in shit and I deserve everything I've got or to be more exact I deserve having nothing, and if that doesn't do it she'll tell me a few dozens more that I'm worthless and I don't deserve a dime from her or anyone else for that matter.

Back to my EVS application, I'm tired so I'll post it and go to sleep but before going I have a question for you. That project was about helping residents of a center specialized in taking care of people with disabilities in getting on track with their life and making that transition as smooth as possible. Please read this motivation letter and imagine being a member of the selection committee. Would you choose me? What have I done wrong?

I have a lot of thoughts on this matter but my brain simply refuses to cooperate. I'm doing all kinds of errors and making typos the whole time I'm writing something and since english is not my first language it happens a lot more than I'm expecting it to happen. And that bugs me.

I'll come back in twelve hours, maybe less, and I'll read your reviews, if there will be any.

Angels Still Exist

Even if an angel is usually portrayed and believed to be an invisible being chasing people in order to protect them I have another theory which is a lot more simpler and more comforting especially to those who have lost faith in divine forces. Angels walk among us, I call them people bursting with a kindness that others are just jealous about. Instead of following the example and be more like these little angels who can do magic, they choose to despise them and plot bad things against them.

Sometimes these angels find us, if we're lucky, other times we are the ones to look for them and from what I've experienced they're tough birds to catch/find. I'm still not sure, really confused, if I ever met some, I think I did if I made it this far considering the many nights without any sleep and nightmares copying scenes from the "The Wrong Turn" movie. Once you meet them the sun shines brighter, the rivers run faster, birds sing louder and right at your window and they sing so beautiful that it doesn't make you want to smack them with a stone. I'd put a smile inhere but it would ruin the whole thing, it wouldn't be pleasant to eye anymore. 

Most of my days pass, today's day is exactly as the previous one, only a lot more sadder, and tomorrow will sadder than today, not by much but enough for me to notice.

But .....

          .... today was not the case. A miracle happened that made my heart ache less, that gave me hope in a hopeless place, that made me feel something else other than despair and pain. 

The project I've been developing, called "Picture Touristic Moldova", has received its first  major donation, and I'm basically speechless, I wanna find the words to express the intensity of my gratitude towards that person who took a chance on me and donated a huge amount of money, by my standards, when she herself is in need for help, I wanna find those words but I can't, there aren't such words, I can thank her only by being who I said I am, a kind person with a big heart and deep soul, who always helped others in need and felt good about it, never had regrets about helping others, even if what went around didn't necessarily came back around. I can thank her by being there for her by any means. I take my friendships very seriously, they're like marriages for me (well, except the sex part) I promise to be true to them in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health. I will love them with all my heart and honor them all the days of my life. But as marriages, not all friendships work, something snaps along the way.

Step by step, piece by piece every bit of hope has been fading away but it happened for this little angel to come into my life and pull me back, out of the rabbit hole. She got to know me, got to know my dream and she took a chance on me and I'm going to disappoint. Didn't think it was possible and yet it happened. I'm genuinely happy I got to meet her (online) a genuinely good person with whom I have a lot of things in common, some bad things that no one should have in common, and there some good things, like being happy for making others happy. I realized that most of the time, kind of a general rule, that only the people who have been through pain and hardships are the ones to help you, they understand you, they get that with their help you can grow wings and fly high and they will not take credit for that. They're amazing people and wish everybody to have such people in their lives, having them nothing seems so hard to get through, you can turn to them at all times, they will be there for you.

Another person who I really like and truly is an amazing example of what kindness and sharing is about is the one and only Ellen DeGeneres. Watching her show and how she interviews celebrities and simple people is amazing, she does more than that, she shares stories about people who are good to others in so many ways you can't even count that high.

In my angel's case, and in Ellen's case words are not enough so I'll let some of Ellen's videos speak for themselves.

She makes me smile, she makes me feel happy, immeasurably happy, I laugh like a crazy person, she makes me feel full of hope, that I still stand a chance at a great life far from pain and despair.She makes me feel amazing, she makes me appreciate myself more and give myself some credit for the things I've done, she makes me worth of good things and she makes me feel optimistic even if there are not many things to support that. 

She brings light, she's also a walking angel among us and I feel proud of knowing her. She always finishes her show by saying "Be kind to one another", I paraphrased that and from time to time I finish my posts with "Be kind to one another and maybe you'll get to save a life". She inspires me, she inspires us. I love these people, I truly do, and I will always will. They give me power to fight, they give me hope of a better future, they make me believe in myself and they're not even here, they are doing all these amazing things from thousands of miles distances.

There are tons of thing I wanna sat, but they're not coming in the right order :) So I'll wrap up here. So ....

      ... Be kind to one another and maybe you'll get to save a life.

P.S. If I wrap my hands around myself I think I can feel some wings coming out of me, they're still small but there are definitely clear signs of them. 

Money, Money, Money, Must Be Funny.

From time to time I think about what if I were a millionaire, would I be an ordinary millionaire or I'd go and reinvent the very definition of being a millionaire? Would I be able to sleep at night knowing that there are people enduring the cold or the hunger, knowing that there are people who once had homes but because they went through hard financial times they were evicted and now are living on the streets? My thoughts go to them every day and although I do not believe in God I pray, in a way, for them to get on their feet and live their lives to their fullest. Of course being alone in this doesn't mean very much.

A few days ago I accidentally stumbled upon a YouTube video, a sort of documentary about the richest men of the world, the way they live, how they spend their money and how they treat others. It seriously bummed me out that they buy next-door houses which are not cheap at all, are worth at least a few millions, just to ensure themselves with the exclusivity of not having any neighbors. 

Mark Cuban, whoever he is, bought a 15-million dollars house and he says and I quote "A buddy of mine said "trust me, it's a great deal" and then I said "OK", when you have a lot of money you can take chances. That's one of the great things about being a billionaire, you know?!" That "you know?!" was like a baseball bat over my head, you moron, how in the world would I know how is taking chances on a fifteen million dollars property without seeing it? I bet you can build your own house for much less money and be as happy as they are when it comes to living conditions. 

Back to the part where they buy million dollars properties which stay empty for years, nobody lives in them when thousands of people are homeless and their lives keep going down hill. It's simply outrageous. Bill Gates, we all know who Bill Gates is, owns a whooping 140-million megahome  and since it didn't come with the exclusivity of not having any neighbors, he bought additional 11 properties for another 14.5 million dollars, basically isolating himself and his family members from the rest of the world. 

While billionaires like Bill Gates buy available real estate, a billionaire like Saudi Prince with a wealth of 20 billion dollars builds his own palace spending on it no less than 130 million dollars, it has 317 rooms with a luxury you can't even imagine, swimming pools, bowling alley, screening rooms, beauty salons and many other luxuries are also present. 

Millionaires and billionaires don't fly commercial jets, don't take trains or ride a ferryboat. They buy limousines such as Rolls-Royce Phantoms , they buy jumbo jets such Boeing 767 or even the ultimate Airbus A380, but if that is not enough they buy mega yachts which according to some, it's the ultimate fight between billionaires about who is the richest fairest of them all. Don't address to their boats as yachts, but as mega-yachts, it's basically an insult to them and their wealth. The price of a mega-yacht  can go very easy over the 100-million dollars mark. The latest rumor states that the russian billionaire Roman Abramovich has places an order for the biggest yacht yet to be build, with a value close to a half a billion dollars, basically a floating city with every single thing you can even dream of on it. 

Now let's imagine that I am a billionaire, you can do that as well. What would I do? What would I buy? Let's do it like a bucketlist. 

• Build a hospital in my native country, fully equipped with state of the art medical equipment, hire the best medical staff in the country and if necessary hire international medical staff.
• Build a railway to tie the north with the south, giving the people the possibility to easily commute for a job they couldn't find in their living area. To make that possible it would be necessary to have a high-speed train such a TGV.
• Build youth centers all over the country, being the member of a youth organization and not having a place to gather and plan activities was a real struggle until Peace Corps and Sharon Hakim helped us raise the necessary fund to build a Youth Center, a place of our own.
• Build schools, buy school buses so every children would have access to an education, being safely taken to the scholo and then back home to their parents. Also a good idea would be repairing old schools as sometimes it is cheaper than building schools from scratch. Repairing them but not forgetting about safety. Safety is above them all.
• Build houses for poor people, giving them the peace they deserve, giving them the calmness of being in their own home, feeling secure.
• Build a fully equipped crime lab in three major cities, to make solving crimes an easier job, to put away criminals for good, as many of them get away scot-free.
• Funding the studies for truly gifted kids, special kids who can dance, play instruments, are good at math or physics, dreaming of becoming doctors, who can play Shakespeare and become amazing actors, believe in them, give them moral support, offer them well-designed non-formal education trainings to prepare them to meet their bright futures.
• Fund Centers for Children with Special Abilities, help children that cannot take care of themselves, help parents who have such children, help these kids become integral parts of the society and benefit from everything like other people do.
• Fund youth projects
• Fund personal/family business projects, start-ups.
• Fund campaigns on changing or adjusting national legislation. Unfortunately the legislation of my country has more holes in it than swiss cheese. That needs to be changed. Hire teams to write bills to adjust the legislation. (not sure I said it right, if not please do correct me)

I'd probably do some other things as well, the list above contains just several ideas.

Let's face it, I'm not gonna be a millionaire, ever, not to mention the insane idea of becoming a billionaire. But the list above is a nice bucketlist for any of them. But I guess once they became filthy rich the forgot everything about honesty, morals, integrity, sharing, kindness, helping others in need, feeding the poor, and so on.

This is a call to all millionaires and billionaires. I dare them to do at least on thing off my bucketlist. 

From one point of view being rich sucks, besides money they have nothing that is truly valuable, they're paranoid all the time, that they might lose it and be poor, and that no one will look at them, well guess what, how many people appreciate them for what they are and nor for their money? Being rich certainly has its perks, but if they're not being rich the right way nothing truly matters. But is there a right way to be rich? I bet there is, but finding it is a very hard task.

Oh I wish to be rich to test my own theory. Other than that I wish you to be happy more than I wish you to be rich, at least financially speaking, I wish you to be rich when it comes to having true friends, who will support you and stand by you no matter what, when you have true friends nothing seems hard to get through. That is what I wish you.

This is it for now, as always, be good to one another and by doing that you might save a life.