Things I've Tried

If I were to be asked to come up with a word that sums up the last five years of my life "failure" would be my first choice. If I begin to look back in my days I begin to count on my fingers things I've tried and failed to succeed at them.

I think it was 2008 when a friend of mine suggested for me to apply for an european youth programme called Youth in Action and to be more exact to apply for Action 2: European Voluntary Service. I was a bit stubborn to the idea of leaving the country for a whole year right before I was to apply for university studies, plus I knew on the spot that there was no way my parents would support me on it, and trust me I was right.  I can't remember the exact periods of time but I think it was after the first semester when I came back to thinking that applying to that programme wouldn't be such a bad idea. Plus even if I were to be selected I wouldn't leave to serve as a volunteer until september. To apply for that programme every candidate should meet specific requirements and one of them was to be a member of a non-gov organization. Well, at that time I was a member a youth organization for already one year and the timing couldn't be better to apply. My english at that time pretty much sucked but I wasn't afraid of it, as being a volunteer under the Youth in Action programme and more specific under Action 2: European Volunteering Service you benefit from free language classes, according to the  hosting country language. I targeted countries where the native language would be english, french, spanish or italian. Some advised me not be to be so picky but I had my reasons to do so. The application consists from a motivation letter that includes a short presentation of yourself, reasons to apply and what can you offer as a volunteer to the project, and of course you must include your CV. 

Well, I don't have enough fingers to count how many drafts of motivation letter I have written during the period I was applying, although I took a big break after 2009 I came back to it in 2010 and tried for one more year. I excelled at writing amazing motivation letter but at that time I didn't know the exact requirements for a motivation letter, requirements that are not exactly written somewhere but more expected to be figured out on your own, one of these requirements was for the application not to exceed a volume of no more than one - one and a half pages. I started writing one page motivation letter but towards the end I've been rambling on four pages and surprisingly enough no one was hinting or stopping me. Once giving a review or a feedback after denying the candidate the opportunity of being the actual participant of the programme action is not a requirement almost none of the organizations bothered to do so. The Youth in Action has many shortcomings and deficiencies but I hope it will be improved and successfully metamorphosed into the new Erasmus for All programme launched in the first day of 2013. While applying for this programme it is expected to be supervised by the sending coordinator of your organization but almost the entire I was pretty much alone in it. Well, this is the story and the headline of my life - being alone. All I can be proud of is that I made it dozens of times to the final candidates but I guess there was no match made in heaven for me. So this is all for European Voluntary Service for now.

Once I am a citizen of two countries I thought I'd broad my spectrum of choices. I thought I'd try to go abroad as an Au Pair and take care of kids as I always have loved kids, I've always been patient with people and kids are no exception. I've set a profile on a few websites but no matter how many families I've added to favorites (this way informing them of my intention) very few followed through to actual negotiations. I guess I'm not something a family looks for, I'm slim, not tall, slim body strength, poor eyesight (of course they didn't know about that) but the biggest flaw of them all is being a guy once many families were desiring a female candidate, plus being a candidate from Romania wasn't very appealing either. Back in 2010 I went to UK for the first time to be an Au Pair in a single-parent family with a 6 year old boy, he was amazing although his mother was a cold iceberg. Once arrived in UK I made the epic mistake of giving her the phone to talk with my mom and though I don't know what have they talked about I presume my mother who wasn't a fan of me being an Au Pair told that lady to keep me for a week or so to mime me trying to be the best and then kick me out which after ten days it happened and the reasons were that the kid didn't do his homework, that I went through her computer and saved a bunch of files and many other trivial reasons but in her defense some of them were actual true but in my defense she wasn't very big in giving second chances which I knew I deserved. Well I dodged the bullet that time but I didn't get another chance to prove that I can do it ever since. A few month ago I found a family that was willing to take me in to take care of their two little kids, to be the mother's help to some extent, average paid but considering the situation I was and still am in she was offering me much more and I knew that this time was going to work for sure. But as always luck is not my side. I made a plane ticket reservation but because of the bureaucracy of our national banks the reservation has been canceled and I lost the opportunity to leave for what could be an amazing change. So that was Au Pair.

Since I've failed graduating from university I think it would be fair to count that as a failure too. I knew about that after my first year and I tried to run an idea by my mother as at that time she was the one to call all the shots and that was for me to leave university for a gap year to leave for working a cruise ship as a waiter, the pay is good and training to be one is offered on the ship. As there aren't many agencies to offer this kind of jobs in my country I'd have to go to Romania and apply there but since that involved some finances which I didn't have the final decision was up to my mother and no big shock there she said no as she said no to me going to applying for air attendant classed n Bucharest which cost around one and a half thousands euros and since she has a job in Italy it wouldn't be such a big deal for her. I guess she'd think differently now since she has spent tons of money on me and which all proved to be for nothing and why I refuse to take all the blame.

I can't remember all the things I've given serious thoughts over the years to but these are the most relevant examples, it might not be such a big deal to you and you might think that I'm exaggerating but since I'm the only one who knows the truth I couldn't care less, my parents never were on board with anything, being supportive is a totally unknown concept for them, all I've been hearing from them was "because I said so" or "when you'll the money you'll get to call the shots" or "when you'll your own house you'll get to order everybody around". My family has been a place of no negotiations where the father is the biggest milksop there is and the mother is an hysterical nut-job. Frankly, I despise them and this is all there is to it. I'm stuck here and frankly there is not way out of this misery. If you have any practical advice I'd love to hear it, but please no theoretical advice 'cause I'm sick of it. 

Thanks for listening 'cause it is helpful when someone is there to listen, but it would be more helpful to make your presence felt, to make sure for a fact that you have been here. Please leave a message of any kind and I am sincerely thanking you for that.

Love you and be kind to one another.

Crying in the rain.

Crying in the rain - no, it's not a title for a poem of some kind, it's just how my life feels now. I feel like I'm disappointing some of my readers, or simply feels like disappointing everybody. If I were to be asked to draw an image that would represent my life I would draw myself walking and crying in the rain using only greyish colors. No light, no sun. In a twisted way sounds like the best dramatic novel yet to be published, but living it I can only say that it is tragic and painful. Nothing worth to write about. 

Why am I writing about this ? Because it's the only thing I can do to ease the pain, it's the only thing that works. It's makes no difference, it makes no sense desperately trying to get my life into my own hands. I just realized that it never belonged to me.

These days I was watching the first season of NBC's Smash, an amazing new series but now I'm not going to talk about how awesome this series is but I'm just going to mention that is revolves around Marilyn Monroe's life, about how amazing she was and how she never got to live her life the way she wanted to or wished for herself. I got to think a bit about her, about how under-appreciated she was, that almost no one gave her the credit that she really deserved. Almost no one saw her for what she truly was, didn't see how amazing she was.

And then, I got to thinking about why she was so brilliant. She was a screwed up kid, as a child she wasn't loved the way that every kid in this world deserves to be loved, in a way abandoned by her certifiably nuts mother, being sexually abused and later having three failed marriages killed every bit of confidence she might have had. 

Many years after her death some people have finally realized the true loss, but for Marilyn herself it was way too late. About people who have lived a full life we say that after their deaths they are going to live in our memories and what they've done for others will live beyond time. But I think it doesn't mean anything when the ones that is to be remembered after leaving this world lived their lives rather miserably. The minute you die that's it, there is no afterlife, but even if it does exist we can't possibly know that is a better one to make up for all the misery we had to go through in this life. If there is an afterlife then it's not worth waiting for it if we need to go through our own share of crap that somehow we "won" in some kind of twisted lottery.

Marilyn got to be this brilliant because of her own screwed up existence, she got what she could out of her misery, her misery made her existence to be extraordinary but as I said very few people got to see it. She is long gone and what I am feeling most sorry for is that she will never know how amazing she was despite the fact that people did highly under-appreciated her. She is long gone but vultures keep making millions out of her misery and almost never they are paying her the respect that she deserves.

On august 5th it will be 50 years since her death, still no one knows the real reasons of her death and perhaps no one will ever know, but what it's already known is that she will be missed. The world still hasn't learned its lesson and many amazing personalities one by one keep leaving this world, personalities such as Whitney Houston, Amy Winehouse and many others, some of them never got shine to their full potential but still will be remembered for a long time. It kills me knowing that they weren't treated they way that they deserved, 'cause if they were they still would be with us today and world would've been a nice place to live, it would have been easier to cope with pain caused by wars and other mass destructive forces.

I began writing this article with the intention of telling you my story but I've ended up telling a bit of Marilyn's story. About me I can say that I fear that my life is coming to an end, don't know when is it going be but it feel like it's going to be soon. It's been more than a decade since my life became unbearable and not wroth living, I hate life and every single thing that there is to it. I don't wanna live but the world won't let me go. I'm screaming but no one seems to hear. You have probably heard it before and that's why many of you will not pay any attention and not matter how much I wanna blame other people for my failures I won't, no matter how much they deserve to be blamed. I've made my mistakes but any of these mistakes initially were desperate measures to take ownership of my life but as I said in the beginning it was never mine.

Just a peak of the day I had so far: Me to My So-called Mother: "Keep your nose out of my life, when I'll have something to tell to you I will" My So-called Mother: "Then go fuck yourself".

I refuse to take all blame for what some psychologists call [miserable] life. I will not have it. Now, after having written about some of the things that happened to me lately it feels easier to live this life by a millionth, for the most mortals it's insignificant, but then again, I'm not most mortals, if there is no one to give me this little of credit I will.

The end.

P.S. Be good to one another and maybe you'll get to save a life preventing somebody to take their own life.