I Got Screwed By Empathy

I began writing this post yesterday, but the only thing I wrote was the title "I Got Screwed By Empathy", the thing is that I am an empath, without any doubts I'm probably one of the biggest empaths ever born and I really hate it, I feel whatever other people around me feel, if they're angry I am angry, if they cry I cry, if they're happy I am happy, so even in the best scenario for me to be happy I gotta meet happy people or make them happy so in the end I could be a little bit happy too. For the empaths, or to talk about me in particular, the happiness depends on others. The thing about feeling what others feel is that I feel what they feel tenfold or even more than that. It hurts to feel what others feel, it's very tiring, it sucks the life out of you, even the last bit that is left. 

I'm in a hell hole I might never get out of, most people would simply accept their faith and give up, I kinda of gave up too but still there are battles inside of me telling me that the war is far from being over and there is a glimpse of light and hope that I might win this war, but at the same time I can't help but wonder about ways to turn my life around and finally be happy without looking for happy people to be happy myself.

There is so much misery around me, there are so many unhappy people that it makes me sad and depressed, every day I see stories about kids who live in poor conditions, some of them doing their homework at the light of a candle, others having to sleep under dozens of blankets because they can't afford heat, or even worse they're all hungry because their parents are so poor they can't buy food to feed their children and here I am complaining that I can't find a life purpose. It's killing me, piece by piece, that there is nothing I can do to help those poor kids, hunger, cold and thirst are things that no child should ever know. 

There are so many rich people who every day are doing their best to come up with a new definition of what selfishness is. For them only the sky is the limit when it comes to being selfish. I can't help but despise them, I have no idea how well are they sleeping at night when there are so many people in a desperate need. Life is cruel, wanna know how I figured that? It's very simple, there are people who wanna help but can't and there are tons of people who can help but choose not to. The second kind is simply the worst.

Well anyways, I might add things later but for now I hate being an empath and I wish very much that I never was one. Being empathetic is not a bad thing, but right now, it hurts more than it does good, right now for me it's no good at all being an empath. 

Are you an empath?

What are your actions related to being an empath?

If you could change that, would you be something else but an empath?

Christmas Songs for a Christmas Atmosphere

This post is going to be the first one out of the twelve Christmas posts, even if we're one day away from winter officially claiming its rights I am like an impatient little kid who stands by the window waiting for Santa to come riding his carriage pulled by the well-known reindeers.

I already hanged my Christmas lights on my window telling Santa that I'm one of the very first kids waiting for him to come and leave present under my Christmas tree, thought I am not a kid anymore, pulling twenty in the next July I'll always have a little kids inside of me just for him.

Setting the Christmas stage is not that difficult. Hang some Christmas lights, bring a Christmas tree, decorate it with your loved ones, while doing it play some Christmas songs. In the evening have a cup of hot chocolate, again with your loved ones. But if you're alone invite your friends, their are good companions and don't mind if they bring some food and a good mood. Watch together a good old fashion movie about Christmas and I may have some suggestions but more about that later in the post. Everyone of us should have a Christmas tradition, I have mine and it has already started. Besides setting me into a good mood these Christmas lights are really nice to look at. Around Christmas on 25th I watch the classics which for me are Die Hard, first movie and of course the second one, same applies to Home Alone, first and second movie. 

But what about music?

If last year I recommended you songs from Michael Buble this year we will be going way back, right to Frank Sinatra, don't know why I haven't thought of him in the past years, but hey, it hasn't been that long since I've started blogging in english.

So ladies and gentlemen, here is the music that is stubborn enough not to age, the music that will never leave our homes on Christmas holidays. This is the music that somebody pointed out will make us feel as if we were born in the wrong century. Without any doubts I would have grown up a happy kid while listening to Frank Sinatra's music, and not only to his Christmas songs. 

Knock yourselves out. 

But oh my god, let's not forget about Michael Buble. Although we cannot compare him to Frank Sinatra I would like to think of him as the Frank Sinatra of our century.

I'm simply melting, leave this page in the background while dining with your family, leave it in the background while decorating your Christmas tree or while dancing, this music is good for everything you might be doing in the spirit of these amazing holidays that most people seemed to lengthen from a few days to an entire month and they didn't do anything wrong by doing that.

So, have a Merry Little Christmas and wait for my next post but until then ...

... be kind to one another and by doing that you might change a life. 

Thoughts That Go Through My Mind

In the following minutes I will try to write every single thing that goes through my mind. I am staring at this text editor and I forgot how it looks since the last time I used it. It's been a long time and in this rhythm I will bleed every single reader I have left but I don't care, since I am in pain almost the entire time I wouldn't be interested either in reading depressing posts that would make me kill myself. So, every reader seeking interesting posts to read stumbled upon this piece of ... work wants to leave so be it. I am not god at making people do stuff, I can advise them but most certainly not obligate them do stuff that they don't want to do.

Man, this tooth ache is a bitch, it's been going on for hours, on a scale from 1 to 10 it's a certain 7, bearable but it's more than enough that if it won't go away in the next few hours I'll go crazy, or to be more exact I'll come closer to what people call certifiably nuts. Generally speaking, on that very same scale, pain is always a seven, and it doesn't matter if it's physical or spiritual. Of course there are tons of moments when it's more than a seven, but for now there is a person in my life, my best friend who in a miraculous way manages to bring me to a five, my pain doesn't go lower than a five, yet it's more that I could have hopped for. Considering what I've gone through and am still going through I'd be happy to be on a five for the rest of my life. Life is pain, I have never known a person who didn't know pain, many of us have our own definitions but in the end we all feel pain. 

This time I won't be so concerned about this post looking perfect yet old habits die hard, I will read the same sentence dozens of times and see if it sounds good to my internal ear, see if it's close to perfection, usually I set the text alignment to "justify", this time I won't be doing that, don't know why, usually it matter to me, now it simply does not, perhaps it's because very few people will get the patience to read it and even fewer will have any patience left to write down a comment saying "I Feel for you", "I'm here for you" or "How can I help". It would be cruel to myself to kid myself that through this blog I will achieve anything but today I had a revelation, one of the many reasons of why I kept blogging is to find my person, and a few months back I succeeded, "succeeded" a word I never thought I'd say yet it happened, I succeed at finding that person, I found her, she found me, we both found each other, we depend on each other, sometimes it's rather amazing, but other times we're both aching as life doesn't treat us well, and as much as it kills us we can't do anything to change that, with no doubts or whatsoever, I am strongly convinced that we deserve to be acknowledged and be awarded for our constant and ruthless fights against those loads of pain that the people who are supposed to protect us send in our ways. 

She doesn't hate her enemies, I hate mine, I've got so good at hating people that I have enough hate for her enemies as well, I do not wish them well and whenever something bad happens to my enemies I am a little bit happy, but of course I am only human and I feel bad for them too, but that bit of joy and happiness will never go away, and I will smile inside, only for me to see and feel. Karma's a bitch, I love karma, I wish she'd visit me more often as I think I've done a lot of good deeds and will not ever stop doing good deeds but I'd like to be rewarded in some ways, even with money, why not, saying that I wouldn't take money it would be lying and I hate liars. I may not say the entire truth, but lying? No way in hell. 

I'm in pain, I know I already said that but I am in pain, my teeth hurt, my left knee hurts, earlier in the day my heart skipped a bit, and if not all that my soul hurts 'cause I've got one, but I'd rather sell it, it doesn't do any good to me. 

I am a garden, dreams come out of me, they're green, they feed off the sun and rain, I like rain, I used to hate it, I used to be scared of big thunderstorms but now I love them, but back to being a garden, but there are people in my life who act as big rusty bulldozers who only have one aim, to crush my dreams before they hit maturity. Kinda getting tired of dreaming but I know that it's in my DNA, there is nothing I can do about that. Most of the time dreaming is all I have, most of the time dreaming is my morphine. But sometimes is that pain I am so busy getting rid off. 

Oh life. I don't want you, and yet I want you. I don't wanna live, and yet I don't wanna die, I'm scared to die, yet I'm scared to live. Twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week I am scared, and helpless, and useless, and feeling sorry for myself,  I have almost lived a quarter of a century and compared to some life spans I've lived a third of a life, and I've done nothing for the humanity, this world is a bad place to live and I wanna change that but there isn't anything I can do. 

My DNA embeds all the wrong characteristics for this time, for this space, for this country, for this part of the world, for these parents, for this house. 

About house, every time I think of this word it hits me that there is a certain difference between house and home, although my entire life I had a roof over my had I never had a home where I felt protected, I had a house where I felt neglected, unwanted and upset. I think I am the youngest kid ever in this family to feel the desire to die, I remember being little and banging my head against the wall after my brother kept harassing me, and while crying I used to say that I don't wanna live, but should a kid know what life and death means at a such young age?

Every now and then I see the pain of others, I see little kids aching, I see pain that even adults fall victims to, I see pain that is barely bearable, and they say such words that I am amazed and conflicted at the same time. They're little geniuses and philosophers and they deserve a loving family, loyal friends and normal living conditions no more studying under the candle light, bearing the cold that gets through the cold walls and endure hunger 'cause the don't have anything to eat, I wanna help them out but I am no one, it kills me that there are thousands of people around the globe who keep doing stupid things and spending money on useless stuff while millions of people bear hunger and thirst. I'll give you a few examples: Kim Kardashian, Roman Abramovich, Mark Cuban. 

If, in a million years, I get to be a millionaire and live against the beliefs I have at these moments please kill me. 

Everyday going to sleep I have one wish, to fall into a deep coma and never wake up, and for my organs to be donated to kids, that way I'll get to live through them. 

The following is addressed to a special someone, she knows who's that person. 

Hey, if you're reading this piece of article don't get sad, at least not very sad, just a little, I'm sorry that a part of your happiness depends on me, and I'm sorry that a piece of my happiness depends on you, and I don't know if I will ever get through all this but if I do, I promise to keep you close by, you are the closest thing that comes to a great companion for my journey. I'm sorry this is not a perfect world, but if it were I'd take you far away from the people who have hurt you so many times and so deep, once you asked me what would you do if you were omnipotent, well, if I were omnipotent I'd take you out of there, take you and other friends of mine with whom we share life similarities, build a house and name it "The Central Perk", I know you would love that, I know you that much. That house would signify our second take to a great life, start, literally start from that house and who knows where life would lead us from there, but I'd sleep a lot better knowing that we stood a real chance.

Don't know what else to say so I'll leave it just that. 

See you next time, whenever that will be. 

Be kind to one another and maybe you'll get to change a life.


Choosing this image was appropriate because it signifies a road going somewhere, that right now I am on a road that's going somewhere, I'm not at the bus stop anymore, I'm not in the waiting anymore and that's a good thing, I've been waiting for a change for years now and even if that change didn't occur yet there are signs that it will do so and that's going to be soon. There is a person in my life, who in a very short time managed to bring so much happiness in my life I couldn't even imagine that it was possible, she succeeded in things others didn't and I can't be more thankful.

Overall the story of my life couldn't not be more sad, living in a broken family where lying, manipulating and blackmailing prevails, where everybody screams at each other and name calling is a normal thing I used to think that I don't have any options left, that I have used all my chances at having a normal life far away from all this sadness and despair, far away where I could start all over. But that has changed a few days ago.

As I mentioned there is one person, among the very few other, who has faith in me, who believes in me like no one, not either my parents, believed in me ever before. She's my best friend now and we are there for each other as much as we can, we're thousands of miles away but this the kind of friendship you only read in books about but few of us get to experience.

I almost have lost all hope when she pulled me back to life. Thanks to her:
  • things started to change for the better, something like this hasn't happened since I dropped out of uni almost 18 months ago
  • I finally see the light at the end of the tunnel and it's not the light from the oncoming train anymore.
  • I am making plans again.
  • I can dream again
  • there is significantly less pain and depression 
  • even more than that, I am smiling more often, I might even laugh
  • no matter how hard I've been trying to see my future, see good things happening to me I couldn't do it but now I can.
  • now I can listen to sad songs and not become sad myself, it applies as well for movies and other stuff.
  • she's making my life easier to bear. 
  • thanks to her now I have OPTIONS.
Thanks to her I'm 34 steps closer to my dream coming true. I'm making plans, thinking strategies and adding tools to make sure that my project it's going to be a success.

In one of my previous posts called "Angels" I said that it doesn't happen very often when total strangers who didn't know you from before, out of the blue, did something amazing for you. Also, it doesn't happen very often for people who get to know you, land you a hand and change your life completely, and all they ask in return is to pass that kindness onto others. They ask you to pay it forward. I call this kind of people angels whom I'm thankful as they manage to restore my faith in this place called earth.

So did that person I keep telling you about, she keeps changing my life on a daily basis, today is a better day than yesterday, tomorrow is going to be even better.

Besides the many amazing things she did, like the very few I mentioned above, she donated a whooping

I couldn't see good things happening to me before, but now I do, even more than that, I see lots of good things happening to other people and all that thanks to one person. For a lot of time I was thinking that my life was not changing, that somehow I stopped living but thanks to her I am now embarked onto a whole new journey and you are all invited to join me. 

Are you going to join? 

Are you going to support me? 

Are we going to be there for each other?

It's been a long time since I've been in good spirits and I'm not going to give up on it anytime soon. With that donation she brought me closer to my dream and I can see the start of my project somewhere in the spring of 2013. 

Wanna help me bring the starting date even closer?

Wanna know what's in it for you and others ?

I'm not a person  who makes promises and doesn't keep them, I'd rather not make them at all if i don't intend to keep them, a lot of promises have been made to me and most of them have been broken. Now I must know better not to make any I don't intend to keep. 

But now I'm gonna make a few I will fight for. I solemnly promise to:
  • Donate myself for different projects once the project I wrote will start bringing revenue 
  • I promise to donate for other people in need, now I am one but soon I'm gonna stop being one
  • I donated before and I wanna do it again.
  • Help others develop their own projects that will bring them financial independence and besides that to make an impact on others
  • I've been strongly inspired by Pay It Forward culture featured in the movie with the same title and I'm gonna keep promoting through all the tools I have at hand. 
Specific to the project:
  • I can't wait to meet all the donors and potential tourists in my country
  • Make your stay as enjoyable as possible
  • Guide you and organize you professional photo shoots  throughout our most visited locations
  • Have a taste of our national cuisine, listen to our national music.
  • And simply have fun.
Now the biggest question of them all.

Ellen - Simply Inspiring!

I think I know what my Christmas wish is going to be this year. I'll wish, with no fear that my wish won't come true, that this world would come to know more people like Ellen. If only it was possible for me to steal a bit of Ellen's DNA so I could clone her at least a million times.

She most certainly is the guardian angel of all anguished souls on earth, with a simple act of kindness she can turn your life around by inspiring you to do so many things you never imagined you could do. Her reach is far beyond unimaginable. She's thousands miles away but I can feel her presence even in my darkest hours. There might not be Santa Claus, Easter Bunny or other mythical creatures but there is Ellen and that's good enough for me and for many millions of people around the globe. She will never rest until she can change lives, as many as possible.

From now on I will consider it my responsibility to bring you the most inspiring acts of kindness that she does to your attention. She makes my heart beat slower, she makes it ache less, she makes me breath easier, she makes my days brighter, she's my life support, I simply love her. She's the one person all future friends should be measured up.  She's one of the very few people who keeps restoring my faith in this world on a daily basis. All the words in the entire world won't be enough to express my gratitude towards her and how thankful i am that she exists so I'll let the following video of hers to show what she is capable of. Hope it will make you feel all the things I've been feeling ever since I've come to know her. Sit back and let her kindness flow into your heart and soul.

Now, I don't have a clue of why the comments have been disabled on YouTube but if you have anything to say you may do so right below.

Also I'd like to know a few things from you.

In what ways does she change your life?

What does she mean to you personally?

Be kind to one another and maybe you'll get to change a life. Like Ellen does.

P.S. Stay tuned for Ellen's Inspiring Videos by Subscribing in any way you like. I'm gonna make sure they reach you if you promises to stay within my reach :)


It doesn't happen very often when total strangers who didn't know you from before, out of the blue, did something amazing for you. Also, it doesn't happen very often for people who get to know you, land you a hand and change your life completely, and all they ask in return is to pass that kindness onto others. They ask you to pay it forward. I call this kind of people angels whom I'm thankful as they manage to restore my faith in this place called earth. 

By watching these people I find strength to carry on when there are no reasons to do so and when there are no signs of anything changing, they inspire me to keep evolving not just into a better person but in the best person a mankind can ever know. I wish good qualities would be passed onto our kids and by the time they reach their tenth generation they'd have no flaws or whatsoever. The evolution of the mankind would be complete and all that would be left would be to sit back and enjoy the ride. I still have faith for that to happen even if I won't see that light of that day.

How do we find the balance between the bad things that keep happening to us and the good things that occur so rarely? 

I just can't get beyond the questions and I keep cutting myself with millions of could-have-beens. Not my words, don't wanna take credit for them but you'll read them in Imogen Heap's song called "Wait It Out", a song I'm simply madly in love with, it is not possible for it to define my life more. Through that song Imogen is voicing the pain of the unknown of millions of people around the globe and it's intense and beautiful and painful, all at the same time. She took a piece of my heart with no meaning to ever return it and for that I couldn't love her more, it's simply not possible because my love for her music reached the highest limits long time ago.

These are the people who's examples are beyond worth being followed, this is the kind of people I wanna meet more. A smile, a good word, a kind act, a song are among the many things they can give you to make your life easier and worth living it to your full potential. When you have the means to do good things to total strangers seize those opportunities and take no credit for it, just wish for those acts of kindness to be multiplied and reach millions of people around the globe and only for that silently take just a small piece of credit but which will make you feel better, it will make you feel complete, I know that it does, I tried it.

Being an angel is very easy, getting to become one is a bit harder but with the right motivation you can become one in no time, all you have to do is to know what an act of selfless kindness is and spread it all around, follow the good examples and never fell a victim to the bad ones, but even those can often serve as inspiration to never do them and learn from the mistakes made by others and not by you.I was once asked, how could I know how to love when I was not loved as any child needed to be loved? It doesn't always apply and being empathetic proves it. Sometimes, if you're lucky, you'll get to see it in others, a love directed towards you and if it's the right kind you'll feel it within your core. Wouldn't you want to spread around so others would feel what you felt?

I am lucky to know such people, personally or not, around me or not, who know me or who don't, in different corners of the earth they manage to spread light on my journey towards the things I wish to happen and towards the people I wanna meet, they're simply angels who will never fall, more than that, they will find other angels and send them to you when you need the most, they will touch your soul like no one did before and maybe they'll find the angel withing you. I wanna be one and I'm sure I'm on my way to becoming one, having trouble reaching masses of people, big or small, but I still have a small shred of faith that that is going to change, the beauty around me keeps me believing in that, even if the many nightmares I have are trying to prove the opposite. Right now I'm enjoying my rare moments when I believe that tomorrow is going to be the day when someone is going to reach out and ask me "Would you be my angel? Would you go around the globe and spread the kindness of your heart?". I know I am a good person and I deserve more than this, it will seem that I'm making excuse and maybe I am, but a lot has happened to me and before I learned how to live my life I forgot how to do that first. Someone dear to me said that before I could inspire others I need to be inspired first and for that I need change. Unfortunately, change is one of the many things I'm powerless to make on my own, I need help. Everyone needs help sometimes, why wouldn't I be entitled of it too?

If I had the chance to be somewhere else I'd choose to be in America, it's been like forever since I've wanted to live there, specifically on the West Coast, in the city of angels, making my dream of becoming an actor for the small screen true. The best part of it would be making an impact on millions of people by telling them all these good things that can happen to them. The thing about me is when I wish for something I think of how it would impact others as I simply can't imagine living just for myself, I know for sure that I'm anything but selfish, that's one negative quality I simply despise. I'd like to found a charity in the name of someone great and inspiring and fight for a better quality of life for millions of people around the globe, make in impact and make sharing and giving a part of the daily routine of everyone on earth, of course that's too big of a challenge but I'd be happy to settle for a several millions of people to say the least, ambitious you'd say but not impossible, after all I wouldn't be alone, I'd probably gather the most amazing team who I'd call simply "angels". I wanna change lives so they could live their lives as they want: better, brighter, happier. But I can't feel anything but powerless and it's killing me that I can't do what I intend to do, after all making others happy would make me happy, I've always liked this kind of selfishness.

I guess I'll stop rambling right about .... now.

Before saying my ending phrase I wanna ask you. What does a person have to do to deserve your help?

Also, in these times of despair and when nothing seems to change what would your advice be to me? How would you help me change my life? 

Be kind to one another and maybe you'll get to change a life.

Colin Powell's Rules

I have a book called "Leadership: Enhancing the lesson of experience" which I browse through every now and then and today I stumbled upon Colin Powell's rules. Before proceeding with reading some cleverly written rules you gotta know who Colin Powell is. 

Colin Luther Powell (born April 5, 1937) is an American statesman and a retired four-star general in the United States Army He was the 65th United States Secretary of State, serving under President George W. Bush from 2001 to 2005. He was the first African American to serve in that position. During his military career, Powell also served as National Security Adviser (1987–1989), as Commander of the U.S. Army Forces Command (1989) and as Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff (1989–1993), holding the latter position during the Gulf War. He was the first, and so far the only, African American to serve on the Joint Chiefs of Staff.

Colin Powell's Thirteen Rules.

1.    It ain't as bad as you think. It will look better in the morning.

2.    Get mad, then get over it.

3.    Avoid having your ego so close to your position that when your position falls, your ego goes with it.

4.    It can be done!

5.    Be careful what you choose. You may get it.

6.    Don't let adverse facts stand in the way of a good decision.

7.    You can't make someone else's choices. You shouldn't let someone else make yours.

8.    Check small things.

9.    Share credit.

10.    Remain calm. Be kind.

11.    Have a vision. Be demanding.

12.    Don't take counsel of your fears or naysayers.

13.    Perpetual optimism is a force multiplier.

My personal favorite is number five, you may know another version of it "Careful what you wish for" and I think of it almost all the time 'cause to some extent it's been true for me, meaning I wished for a lot of wrong things.

Which one is your favorite?

Be kind to one another and maybe you'll get to change a life.

Action - Reaction | Stop Bullying

From a very simple stand point people are divided in two groups: Good people and bad people. Each of these two groups has its own purpose, the bad ones constantly want to hurt the good ones and all that the good ones want is to be left alone and try to make it and live their lives as best as they can. You don't have to be a genius to figure out from which group the bullies are.

At some point in our lives there are people who push us to the breaking points, if it's being done right we may be able to reach our full potential, if not we may lose our fight to live. Again, it's a no brainer figuring out what effect on us have the bullies. While the psychologists are making studies and spend their precious time studying this phenomenon and trying to come up with different complicated definitions of what bullying is more teens and kids are falling victims and very few are taking a stand against this plague, there is no other word more appropriate than "plague". It often makes me wonder about why we are the way we are, isn't there enough air, space, resources to peacefully coexist? Why some of us have the constant need to make someone else feel miserable and low? This I will never get and I'll refuse to do so, bullying has no excuse, bullying has to be punished, severely punished.

I get that some bullies had it tough and they use their failures and their suffering as an excuse to bring misery to others, and while it has been explained to them what are they doing and what kind of damage they bring they keep doing it, that's when it stops being forgivable. Some may think that bullying is a thing specific for schools and other educational institutions but that's not true, if you'll take a closer look around you you'll notice that bullying is taking place everywhere and at all times. And while some people can stand for themselves there are plenty who can't, and it's not their fault that they can't, not all were built G.I.Joes. Or they simply weren't educated to be that way, but after all, as a human being not everyone has to be built to be able to stand up for himself, I wanna believe that the men were created to peacefully coexist, I wanna believe that everyone has the right to feel secure at all times without fearing of getting hurt by another peer.

While various states around the world are fighting against terrorism, poverty, economical failures or social uprisings I think we should all fight against bullying and none of that would ever happen, the solution is very simple to find and diabolically hard to put into action. Why is that the simplest solution of them all? Because bullying is simply the mistreatment we get everyday from other peers, mistreatment that is not monitored, punished or prevented. There were so many crimes that could have been prevented if that or that or even that kid was not to be bullied when he was a kid and all his kindness and positivity has not been sucked out of him. If we all were to be kind to one another and set some ground rules for all to be respected we all could finally understand that heaven is not somewhere on another dimension but it's right here on earth, and despite natural disasters we can all stick with each other and get through everything. 

A thing that we all should finally get is that a man in pain can do a lot of destruction, so let's be kind to one another and you'll instantly feel how time is adding on people's hourglasses, they're time on earth is getting longer and longer, some of them will even get to see their grandchildren and will have no regrets of how they lived their lives 'cause they did it right, they did a lot of good deeds that went unpunished and the good memories of them and their deeds will live beyond time. 

A life without bullying is a beautiful life, let's make it happen. I won't live that long to see the day when there won't be any anguished souls, no pain caused by mean people, no tears, no screaming, no crying out for help in the middle of nowhere, no solitude, no desperation, no going crazy and no wishing to die. You don't want to be bullied and if you never were bullied don't let that happen to others, but if it's happening give them a hand and take a stand against bullying, defend them and be their hero, everybody needs a hero in their lives, be theirs, protect them and take special care, and someday they'll get to be somebody else's hero.

I found this page on facebook and it seems appropriate to invite you to give a like to it and stay informed on what we all need to do so we all could stand a chance at a full life without any bullying in it.

Ending this I'm gonna say what I usually say for quite some time now.

Be good to one another and maybe you'll get to change a life.

One Day I'll Fly Away

"One day I'll fly away
Leave all this to yesterday
Why live life from dream to dream
And dread the day when dreaming ends

One day I'll fly away
Fly fly away..."

That was a fragment from once my favorite song from Moulin Rouge sang by Nicole Kidman who proved that besides being a terrific actress she has an amazing voice and was able to deliver with extreme intensity and drama, not everyone is able to feel this song to his very core but most certainly that was its intention. Years have passed since I saw that movie for the first time but these lyrics have never stopped carrying the same amount of truth and I still find myself saying silently to myself that someday I'll fly away and leave all this to yesterday, be able to start a new life and make my long unfulfilled dreams reality. With every day passing I'm getting more detached from the country I live in and get attached to the country I've been dreaming to get to for a long time now - United States of America. I'm a citizen of the world so to some extent I don't care about the country I was born in but I do care about the country I identify myself with. When I say that I don't care about the country I was born in don't get me wrong, I do care about it I am just too different and my set of values and morals is just too different from the existing ones in that country. I'm not accusing it of anything, I'm just sorry that it's not able to deliver the tools to make my dreams come true while being able to live in it and not leave for another country.

Anyway, this post is going to be mash-up of my latest thoughts that weren't enough to write an individual post for each one of them. 

I love airports. I love airplanes. If someone would ask me If I wanted to live in an airport I'd probably say "hell yeah". Planes taking off, planes landing, seeing happy faces or even some sad faces, people carrying their luggage around, waiting for their flights, I find those things rather enjoyable. Once I was waiting for my flight for Frankfurt by the gate and through the speakers classic music has been purring out, I felt like I was in a movie and my life was finally turning around and everything that was about to follow was good. It's incredible how such things make me optimistic all of the sudden and happy, if you'd see my face while in an airport you'd think that I smelled some crack  I had the opportunities to fly on a Boeing 737 and Airbus 319, 320 and 321 and some other small type of airplanes but I am still craving to fly on a Boeing 747 but most importantly on an Airbus A380, the giant jumbo-jet that has been crossing the sky for years now and I am a huge fan of it, I've watched several documentaries about it and learned that this plane is a engineering marvel with lots of cutting-edge features. 

I dream someday to fly on one on my way to New York, an Airbus A380 flies everyday from Frankfurt International Airport right at 8 AM in the morning and usually it doesn't take more than eight and a half hours to land in New York's JFK airport.

Yesterday I was daydreaming of getting into the states and apply for US citizenship 'cause as long as I don't have one I can't legally work. Then, find some jobs as extras on movie or TV series sets, that way making a living, be able to save up some money and pay for acting classes and while working learning about acting for television. But of course that is not going to happen anytime soon, daydreaming is just the time of the day when I lose any ties with reality and imagine that my life is amazing and I'm doing what I love the most, helping others while I enjoy living my life. I help others now as well but I don't enjoy living. Several days ago I gave my favorite flash-drive to one of my neighbors and he managed to lose it, I was crazy mad 'cause that flash-drive was bought while visiting some friends in Germany a year ago and it was a beautiful reminder that for once I got to visit Germany and I said that I will never ever help that guy anymore but that way I'd be a jerk and one thing that I can't do is being a jerk so I ended up helping him several times after that. So, I guess, yeah, I'm bragging that I am an extraordinary person :) who is extraordinarily unlucky. 

If I were to fly somewhere that plane won't crash 'cause that would mean that I am lucky, I've been dreaming for a severe form of brain cancer and die fast, so for anyone on that plane must not worry 'cause they will safely get to their destination. 

One of many conclusion I can make based on the things I've wrote earlier is that I am more american than I am romanian, I might not carry a torch for my country but I insanely love romanian language, it's a beautiful Romanic language (also referred to as Romance or Latin language) and I am trying to speak romanian as correctly as possible on a daily basis. I will always love it, it will always have a place in my heart. While daydreaming of being an american I've managed to learn english as much as I could 'cause not being surrounded by english speaking population at some point you hit a speed limit, I mean you don't stop learning new stuff but it becomes an insanely slow process. I watch american tv everyday, I read tons of news most of them TV related, I watch american movies, follow the careers of the actors that starred in those movies, I follow the statistics of the box office, I follow the ratings for the TV Series on the air, I read reviews, I write reviews occasionally, to some extent I follow american politics and rooting for Obama for a second term of presidency, though he failed to change so many defective things in America I believe that he is more suitable for presidency than the other candidate. The music I listen mostly is american as well. S I'll say it again, I'm mostly american although I don't have American citizenship and I'll probably never get to have it. If I would go back I wouldn't change a thing about me, maybe improve something, be more blunt, more self-appreciative, more confident and less stressed, but overall I'm fine with who I am, I just wish I had more luck.

From time to time some people say about me that I am a smart person, even intelligent and that someday I'll rich unimaginable heights but that is the moment when I get sad and somehow pissed and I start asking myself "If I am that smart, and that intelligent than why can't I get out of this rabbit hole? It means only that I am not smart and intelligent at all". I wish I was dumb, 'cause somehow I imagine that dumb people live a lot more happier, they go to work, get home, have some sex and go to sleep and the cycle continues, they love their daily routine, very few things bothers them, their view on the world is pretty much tight and narrow.

My last attempt to succeed is pretty much a failure, I wrote a project "about improving Moldovan touristic image everywhere by making tourist's journeys enjoyable long before they set foot in Moldova. Moldova is a country where you can find common language with a lot of people and that's because we speak more than one language, among the many there is our national language - Romanian, but also you can find russian speakers, french speakers, english speakers, ukranian and some speaking turkish. Moldova is a country where anyone who wants can come and establish a family, we are hospitable and welcoming as long as we all, natives or not, respect the customs and the traditions of our country. As one of our former rulers, Stefan the Great (also known as Stephen III of Moldavia) once said "The lands we have now do not belong to us, but they belong to our grand grand children" and he was right, we must fight for a better life on our lands and never let others slander what others have built with blood and sweat."

But it's going incredibly slow, I mean thanks to a lady from United States and one from Germany, both preferred  to stay anonymous, thanks to them I am not at the square one anymore, thanks to them I got the funding for the six percent of the project. At the beginning I gave up twice before I got these donations, now even if I want to give up I just can't, I feel like I owe it to them, I don't wanna disappoint them so that's why I am gonna keep doing it until I get the full funding and someday be able to donate myself for other projects I will believe in. I am a strong believer of the paying forward effect, I was really inspired of that ever since I watched Pay It Forward, the movie which had Kevin Spacey, Helen Hunt and Haley Joel Osment in the main roles. 

There is no secret I wanna get rich someday but I wanna become that way for the right reasons I believe in, in this article I made kind of a bucket list of the things I wanna build, change or do. I don't need to get rich to do some of the things I daydreamed to do. There was a case last year, when a few kids all of the sudden became orphans as their parents died in a car crash and the way that TV channel told their story that some of their relatives who already had their own children took them into their family and since they were poor it was the struggle of their lives, I literally burst into tears, I took my phone and I donated everything I had, it wasn't much but I felt it was all worth it, my parents never understood this thing, me donating for others, they consider themselves poor, I mean they are but not to the extent they think they are. I inherited that from my parents, blowing things out of proportions and overly exaggerate things. Anyway, I wanna donate everything I can to those in need but for that to happen I gotta get out of this group of people, not being in the need all the time myself. 

Although I want this post to be read by lots of people I know for sure that there a few people who will read it and leave me a message and for that I am thankful in advance, I just can't exist without them, without them I am nothing.

If you have something to say please do so, I want and I need your comments, they make me happy, they make me feel that I matter, even for a bit but I do matter. 

Be kind to one another and maybe someday you'll get to change a life.

Moving On

Yesterday I wrote a few lines describing my mood and I said "I've got some moving to do, again ..." well today that couldn't be more appropriate, if I were a psychic I'd say I knew something bad would happen that would make me think like this. But I'm not sure that I can move on, I need some closure, I need to mourn, and since there is no one around who would understand, I am once again alone in this and I gotta make the good out of the worst, but soon I might find out that this is not the worst, that is just the beginning.

Before proceeding with some details about what exactly happened that has thrown me into a deep massive depression I would like to apologize to all of you who are reading this post right now. Several weeks ago I renamed my blog from "Who Am I? Still Finding Out ..." to "Inspired by Gabriel" since I stopped looking for who I am a change was more than appropriate. Although "Who Am I? ..." was a big part of my blogging history I didn't want to make a big fuss about it and write a whole article about that. A lot of changes have occurred since I've launched this blog. And many more are scheduled to appear, sometime in the near or far future, we'll just have to wait. But back to apologizing. Some of my stories are written to inspire to become better friends, better people, better parents. Some stories are to inspire to do good things more often to more people. Other stories are about people whose examples are worth following. Also there stories that make you smile but if I take a minute to think there aren't many of that kind, the one that would make you smile, most of my stories are sad as my life is. And with that I feel guilty and feel like I'm disappointing, I wanna inspire you in a specific way but I'm failing to do that.

In one of my previous posts I've summarized the things I've tried to succeed in. I've tried applying to uni several times, failed. Applied to the Youth in Action programme, Action 2 European Voluntary Service, failed. Tried finding a job, found one, didn't stick, failed. Tried to find an Au Pair/baby-sitting job, failed.I've tried some other things but I haven't slept all night last night so I can't think normally. It's just the afternoon in the eastern europe but I think I'm going to sleep as much as I can 'cause staying awake is not worth it.

I made a big mistake by applying to Youth in Action, European Voluntary Service section, again, I wrote another motivation letter for a specific project in United Kingdom, I wrote it from scratch specifically for them, I tried to respect all the requirements, I've sent the application and it's been eight days since I've done that and today I got the answer I already knew I was going to get. Have a wild guess, it starts with "Unfortunately, ..." and if you think that is bad imagine me doing this for dozens of times for two and a half years with some break every once in a while. Most of the time I was alone in it, as I am in most things, but this is one thing every candidate needs supervision with and since my youth organization lacks team members I was either doing it alone or not doing it at all. And even if that doesn't draw you a picture imagine my mother coming home soon, my number one enemy is coming home and imagine a dog sick with rabies never shutting the fuck up well that is my mother. She won't back down no matter how loud you scream or how many tears you shed, you're an ant for her and she won't mind squashing you down. She won't miss the chance of reminding me of all my failures and how not listening to her "orders" and "indication" got me buried deep in shit and I deserve everything I've got or to be more exact I deserve having nothing, and if that doesn't do it she'll tell me a few dozens more that I'm worthless and I don't deserve a dime from her or anyone else for that matter.

Back to my EVS application, I'm tired so I'll post it and go to sleep but before going I have a question for you. That project was about helping residents of a center specialized in taking care of people with disabilities in getting on track with their life and making that transition as smooth as possible. Please read this motivation letter and imagine being a member of the selection committee. Would you choose me? What have I done wrong?

I have a lot of thoughts on this matter but my brain simply refuses to cooperate. I'm doing all kinds of errors and making typos the whole time I'm writing something and since english is not my first language it happens a lot more than I'm expecting it to happen. And that bugs me.

I'll come back in twelve hours, maybe less, and I'll read your reviews, if there will be any.

Angels Still Exist

Even if an angel is usually portrayed and believed to be an invisible being chasing people in order to protect them I have another theory which is a lot more simpler and more comforting especially to those who have lost faith in divine forces. Angels walk among us, I call them people bursting with a kindness that others are just jealous about. Instead of following the example and be more like these little angels who can do magic, they choose to despise them and plot bad things against them.

Sometimes these angels find us, if we're lucky, other times we are the ones to look for them and from what I've experienced they're tough birds to catch/find. I'm still not sure, really confused, if I ever met some, I think I did if I made it this far considering the many nights without any sleep and nightmares copying scenes from the "The Wrong Turn" movie. Once you meet them the sun shines brighter, the rivers run faster, birds sing louder and right at your window and they sing so beautiful that it doesn't make you want to smack them with a stone. I'd put a smile inhere but it would ruin the whole thing, it wouldn't be pleasant to eye anymore. 

Most of my days pass, today's day is exactly as the previous one, only a lot more sadder, and tomorrow will sadder than today, not by much but enough for me to notice.

But .....

          .... today was not the case. A miracle happened that made my heart ache less, that gave me hope in a hopeless place, that made me feel something else other than despair and pain. 

The project I've been developing, called "Picture Touristic Moldova", has received its first  major donation, and I'm basically speechless, I wanna find the words to express the intensity of my gratitude towards that person who took a chance on me and donated a huge amount of money, by my standards, when she herself is in need for help, I wanna find those words but I can't, there aren't such words, I can thank her only by being who I said I am, a kind person with a big heart and deep soul, who always helped others in need and felt good about it, never had regrets about helping others, even if what went around didn't necessarily came back around. I can thank her by being there for her by any means. I take my friendships very seriously, they're like marriages for me (well, except the sex part) I promise to be true to them in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health. I will love them with all my heart and honor them all the days of my life. But as marriages, not all friendships work, something snaps along the way.

Step by step, piece by piece every bit of hope has been fading away but it happened for this little angel to come into my life and pull me back, out of the rabbit hole. She got to know me, got to know my dream and she took a chance on me and I'm going to disappoint. Didn't think it was possible and yet it happened. I'm genuinely happy I got to meet her (online) a genuinely good person with whom I have a lot of things in common, some bad things that no one should have in common, and there some good things, like being happy for making others happy. I realized that most of the time, kind of a general rule, that only the people who have been through pain and hardships are the ones to help you, they understand you, they get that with their help you can grow wings and fly high and they will not take credit for that. They're amazing people and wish everybody to have such people in their lives, having them nothing seems so hard to get through, you can turn to them at all times, they will be there for you.

Another person who I really like and truly is an amazing example of what kindness and sharing is about is the one and only Ellen DeGeneres. Watching her show and how she interviews celebrities and simple people is amazing, she does more than that, she shares stories about people who are good to others in so many ways you can't even count that high.

In my angel's case, and in Ellen's case words are not enough so I'll let some of Ellen's videos speak for themselves.

She makes me smile, she makes me feel happy, immeasurably happy, I laugh like a crazy person, she makes me feel full of hope, that I still stand a chance at a great life far from pain and despair.She makes me feel amazing, she makes me appreciate myself more and give myself some credit for the things I've done, she makes me worth of good things and she makes me feel optimistic even if there are not many things to support that. 

She brings light, she's also a walking angel among us and I feel proud of knowing her. She always finishes her show by saying "Be kind to one another", I paraphrased that and from time to time I finish my posts with "Be kind to one another and maybe you'll get to save a life". She inspires me, she inspires us. I love these people, I truly do, and I will always will. They give me power to fight, they give me hope of a better future, they make me believe in myself and they're not even here, they are doing all these amazing things from thousands of miles distances.

There are tons of thing I wanna sat, but they're not coming in the right order :) So I'll wrap up here. So ....

      ... Be kind to one another and maybe you'll get to save a life.

P.S. If I wrap my hands around myself I think I can feel some wings coming out of me, they're still small but there are definitely clear signs of them. 

Money, Money, Money, Must Be Funny.

From time to time I think about what if I were a millionaire, would I be an ordinary millionaire or I'd go and reinvent the very definition of being a millionaire? Would I be able to sleep at night knowing that there are people enduring the cold or the hunger, knowing that there are people who once had homes but because they went through hard financial times they were evicted and now are living on the streets? My thoughts go to them every day and although I do not believe in God I pray, in a way, for them to get on their feet and live their lives to their fullest. Of course being alone in this doesn't mean very much.

A few days ago I accidentally stumbled upon a YouTube video, a sort of documentary about the richest men of the world, the way they live, how they spend their money and how they treat others. It seriously bummed me out that they buy next-door houses which are not cheap at all, are worth at least a few millions, just to ensure themselves with the exclusivity of not having any neighbors. 

Mark Cuban, whoever he is, bought a 15-million dollars house and he says and I quote "A buddy of mine said "trust me, it's a great deal" and then I said "OK", when you have a lot of money you can take chances. That's one of the great things about being a billionaire, you know?!" That "you know?!" was like a baseball bat over my head, you moron, how in the world would I know how is taking chances on a fifteen million dollars property without seeing it? I bet you can build your own house for much less money and be as happy as they are when it comes to living conditions. 

Back to the part where they buy million dollars properties which stay empty for years, nobody lives in them when thousands of people are homeless and their lives keep going down hill. It's simply outrageous. Bill Gates, we all know who Bill Gates is, owns a whooping 140-million megahome  and since it didn't come with the exclusivity of not having any neighbors, he bought additional 11 properties for another 14.5 million dollars, basically isolating himself and his family members from the rest of the world. 

While billionaires like Bill Gates buy available real estate, a billionaire like Saudi Prince with a wealth of 20 billion dollars builds his own palace spending on it no less than 130 million dollars, it has 317 rooms with a luxury you can't even imagine, swimming pools, bowling alley, screening rooms, beauty salons and many other luxuries are also present. 

Millionaires and billionaires don't fly commercial jets, don't take trains or ride a ferryboat. They buy limousines such as Rolls-Royce Phantoms , they buy jumbo jets such Boeing 767 or even the ultimate Airbus A380, but if that is not enough they buy mega yachts which according to some, it's the ultimate fight between billionaires about who is the richest fairest of them all. Don't address to their boats as yachts, but as mega-yachts, it's basically an insult to them and their wealth. The price of a mega-yacht  can go very easy over the 100-million dollars mark. The latest rumor states that the russian billionaire Roman Abramovich has places an order for the biggest yacht yet to be build, with a value close to a half a billion dollars, basically a floating city with every single thing you can even dream of on it. 

Now let's imagine that I am a billionaire, you can do that as well. What would I do? What would I buy? Let's do it like a bucketlist. 
  • Build a hospital in my native country, fully equipped with state of the art medical equipment, hire the best medical staff in the country and if necessary hire international medical staff.
  • Build a railway to tie the north with the south, giving the people the possibility to easily commute for a job they couldn't find in their living area. To make that possible it would be necessary to have a high-speed train such a TGV.
  • Build youth centers all over the country, being the member of a youth organization and not having a place to gather and plan activities was a real struggle until Peace Corps and Sharon Hakim helped us raise the necessary fund to build a Youth Center, a place of our own.
  • Build schools, buy school buses so every children would have access to an education, being safely taken to the scholo and then back home to their parents. Also a good idea would be repairing old schools as sometimes it is cheaper than building schools from scratch. Repairing them but not forgetting about safety. Safety is above them all.
  • Build houses for poor people, giving them the peace they deserve, giving them the calmness of being in their own home, feeling secure.
  • Build a fully equipped crime lab in three major cities, to make solving crimes an easier job, to put away criminals for good, as many of them get away scot-free.
  • Funding the studies for truly gifted kids, special kids who can dance, play instruments, are good at math or physics, dreaming of becoming doctors, who can play Shakespeare and become amazing actors, believe in them, give them moral support, offer them well-designed non-formal education trainings to prepare them to meet their bright futures.
  • Fund Centers for Children with Special Abilities, help children that cannot take care of themselves, help parents who have such children, help these kids become integral parts of the society and benefit from everything like other people do.
  • Fund youth projects
  • Fund personal/family business projects, start-ups.
  • Fund campaigns on changing or adjusting national legislation. Unfortunately the legislation of my country has more holes in it than swiss cheese. That needs to be changed. Hire teams to write bills to adjust the legislation. (not sure I said it right, if not please do correct me)
I'd probably do some other things as well, the list above contains just several ideas.

Let's face it, I'm not gonna be a millionaire, ever, not to mention the insane idea of becoming a billionaire. But the list above is a nice bucketlist for any of them. But I guess once they became filthy rich the forgot everything about honesty, morals, integrity, sharing, kindness, helping others in need, feeding the poor, and so on.

This is a call to all millionaires and billionaires. I dare them to do at least on thing off my bucketlist. 

From one point of view being rich sucks, besides money they have nothing that is truly valuable, they're paranoid all the time, that they might lose it and be poor, and that no one will look at them, well guess what, how many people appreciate them for what they are and nor for their money? Being rich certainly has its perks, but if they're not being rich the right way nothing truly matters. But is there a right way to be rich? I bet there is, but finding it is a very hard task.

Oh I wish to be rich to test my own theory. Other than that I wish you to be happy more than I wish you to be rich, at least financially speaking, I wish you to be rich when it comes to having true friends, who will support you and stand by you no matter what, when you have true friends nothing seems hard to get through. That is what I wish you.

This is it for now, as always, be good to one another and by doing that you might save a life.

Suicide is Painless

This is one of those subjects for which you don't have an introductory sentence. 

I'll begin with a short story about a childhood friend, her name was Kate and she was two years younger than me, her father has worked in agriculture, her mother didn't work anywhere, her family was pretty much financially challenged and the fact that we [still] live in a country where everybody worries about today and besides worrying about tomorrow wasn't helping either. I remember her being a very frustrated kid with serious anger management issues, often shouting at her friends for no apparent sane reason. On a random day I went to her to talk about something, I don't remember about what, it's not relevant anyway, but I distinctly remember her saying to me and I quote "I think I'm gonna kill myself" and since the concept of suicide was very strange to me at that point in my life I assumed she was bluffing and told her like any other sane and a bit carrying person would say "don't do anything stupid, everything will work out". Apparently I was horribly wrong, she killed herself that very same evening.

I remember coming back home from somewhere and passed by her home and saw a lot of people but I had no clue about the reasons of their gathering, I learned about it the second day, my father told me and I couldn't believe it, there was too much denial, after a while I accepted the truth but there was no way I could move on, you can't move on from something like this. Of course, I blamed myself and still am, I blame myself every time I hear someone ended his life.

Some people will judge them, even after death, since you can judge while being alive I guess there is some truth to whether there is or isn't life after death. Many people will not understand no matter how much they try, the victims of suicide often go to the grave with all the reasons why they did it and it's sad 'cause I'd want them to be understood but we all know that's not going to happen, some people are just born to judge others, without it they can't live.

For ending their lives so abruptly, sometimes without leaving an explanation of some kind, they will be called many names, among them is selfish, for not thinking about the ones that are left behind, who now have to mourn their loss and deeply regret that couldn't do anything to save their loved ones, but also there will be people feeling guilty for pushing them over the edge but that applies only to people who have a bit of conscience. 

I'm mourning the loss of every boy and girl, man or woman who didn't see a solution other than ending their lives before the actual term, I'm not pointing fingers at others, I'm pointing fingers at us all, some of us indeed couldn't do anything but there are some who could but didn't do anything, didn't care, let the natural selection take its course. 

Is suicide a sign of weakness or a sign of strength?

It's debatable, apparently the victims of suicide didn't have a well support system put in place and every bit of strength changed into weakness but there is no way in hell it was their fault for that, I'm sure each victim did everything he could to stay alive and fought for as much as it was possible. Also, I see it a sign of strength, it takes guts to take your own life and not back out in the last moments of their lives, it shows courage for deciding not to put up with crap anymore and took charge of their life and decided that living it they way they did isn't worth it anymore. Maye at some point it was worth the fight but as the time passed they saw it was all for nothing. 

Should you blame yourself for not being there for them? Yes, you should. You declined the chance of being a part of their support system that involves understanding, listening, telling the truth, giving solutions, practical solutions not just some theoretical crap, help them build their strength from scratch 'cause being on a verge of suicide there isn't any left. I'll mention understanding again as the real reasons for wanting the leave the world might scare you so if you think you're not ready to ear them find a replacement for yourself who will. If you still don't know how to help just ask them, they know how, it's just no one bothered to ask them if they need anything, they might say they need nothing but you need a bit empathetic and feel their needs, call them on their lies, in a demotivator I read "Sometimes when I say I'm ok I want someone to look at me and say "I know you're not" and hug me", they will say they're ok but most of the time it won't be true. 

I'm not condoning their actions but I'm not blaming them either, I wouldn't want them to leave, not just yet, not until it's the actual time but I will understand as we are at fault for making their worlds so unbearable for them that they couldn't stand to be in them for any longer. I'm gonna do the very best I can so the people I love stay with me as long as possible and I hope they'd be open enough with me and tell me everything it's bothering them, for starters I can promise confidence and mutual trust, and if they need anything the know where to find me. 

Sometimes what they're looking for isn't moral support at all, they need to be saved from the places they are in surround by vicious people who live to hurt them, victims of abuse, both verbal and physical, they need a new identity and a new life that unfortunately not anyone can afford of providing them with. Sometimes actions is need as soon as possible but most of the time we come to their rescue too late. 

All I'm saying is, I guess, save them but if it's too late already understand them and respect their decision and don't judge them as you may not know how would you have done if you were in their shoes. 

Now go, save some lives. Be good to one another and by doing that you might save a life.


Pressure, I feel pressure, pressured that tomorrow may never come, pressured that my days are numbered, that I might snap one day and end everything and everything that happened until then was all for nothing. It's hard, it's depressing and still it can get a lot harder, a lot more depressing, a lot worse. We know that we can't control everything, and yet there a lot of things we can control, but I feel like there are very few things, not to say that there are none, that I can control. I can control when I eat, I can't control how much I eat, not that I have an uncontrollable compulsive need to eat, but because there are very few things I find in the fridge, and that's not even we are poor, we're not, but because there isn't a "we" anymore, my family has completely disintegrated and it's started a long time ago, way before I could do anything. My family is one those families where opinions are not needed or respected for that matter, a family where the members don't treat each other as equals, where there is a constant fight for a place in hierarchy, a family where there is too much, way too much left unsaid, unspoken that adds tremendously to the pressure you feel inside, and maybe I should speak for myself. 

Out of all family members I had to be the one to give crap about the words that were said, to give crap about the feelings we had, why couldn't I as cold as they were? To be careless, rude and insensitive and be able to move rather quickly. It's incredible how some people can lie to your face and people that are being lied to, know they're being lied to and no one is saying anything. Sounds tangled and it is, it usually is. You call them on their lies but they will deny it making an idiot out of you. I'd rather hear the truth and I know I'd be hurt less but no, it's like they want to hurt you more on purpose. It's incredible how some people can mime certain feelings like love for each other, care, moral support, basically acting but guess what, they are not that good actors after all, only they think they are the greatest ones out there.

I's so tired of being accused that I'm not anything to get myself out of the place I'm in now, out of the deep depressions, out of the rabbit hole but what I think is that I'm doing a good job surviving and that's damn hard to do it alone, with no support system, no best friends, no parents, no loved ones. My heart goes to those who are in my situation, for most of them it will never get better but God, I do hope I'm wrong, I wanna believe that there is a glimpse of light at the end of the tunnel, even for me, but I can't, I have no base for that, my experience has taught me otherwise.

I look at this seemingly happy five-year old and I'm wondering about where did he go? Is he inhere somewhere? Is he dying? Is he in a deep come? Is there anything to do for him to save his life? I miss him, I miss him everyday and it scares me that I may never see him ever again. There isn't very much I can do, all I can do and can control is how much air I inhale, and how much carbon dioxide I exhale, how much pasta I eat for dinner, my only meal for the day, the simplest meal 'cause by the time I get hungry I'm way to hungry to have time to do something a lot more complicated, while being hungry I cut corners and i don't have time to follow the rules.

I'm reaching out to people I know through facebook, twitter, pinterest, stumbleupon, bloggers, blogcatalog, toateblogurile, cause.com, other websites and forums, leaving links through signatures, but nothing seems to work, it's either we have got too many to have time for everybody and care for everybody, or it just seems that way and we are too lazy to make an additional effort. 

Oh sometimes I swear to God, my life seems like the perfect scenario for a good brazilian telenovela or perhaps a perfect Cannes candidate for the award in the best drama category. I might add something after I come back from sleep, as believe it or not but every blog article has some major birth pains, it's stubborn getting written, every article is a struggle as it defines my entire life, the biggest struggle there is. In general my biggest wish may be getting a camera and be happy and make others happy and have no more impassable difficulties but right now, right in these moments I'm wishing for a nightmare-less night, no dreams where I'm being chased, shut at, no planes coming crashing down or missing flights out of the hole some people call home country, no nothing, but i know better that's not gonna happen as everyday struggles reflect in the dreams we have, so if you are still reading this, adjust your attitude and it will be simpler and you won't have to dream bad at nights, trust me, I know what I'm talking about, some people will try to compare your seemingly simple issues to what others go through, will try to prove that what you have is nothing compared to others, but remember your problems are also problems but because their put to big comparisons you can adjust your attitude and take it in less with less damage and still thinking that you can overcome them, that the problems you don't loo as bad as you thought at first, that other indeed have it a lot worse.

This is it for now, I just wanted to keep the connection, although I wanted to take a break of thirty  days all I needed was some time to recharge and come back to whine some more. See you soon.