Crying in the rain.

Crying in the rain - no, it's not a title for a poem of some kind, it's just how my life feels now. I feel like I'm disappointing some of my readers, or simply feels like disappointing everybody. If I were to be asked to draw an image that would represent my life I would draw myself walking and crying in the rain using only greyish colors. No light, no sun. In a twisted way sounds like the best dramatic novel yet to be published, but living it I can only say that it is tragic and painful. Nothing worth to write about. 

Why am I writing about this ? Because it's the only thing I can do to ease the pain, it's the only thing that works. It's makes no difference, it makes no sense desperately trying to get my life into my own hands. I just realized that it never belonged to me.

These days I was watching the first season of NBC's Smash, an amazing new series but now I'm not going to talk about how awesome this series is but I'm just going to mention that is revolves around Marilyn Monroe's life, about how amazing she was and how she never got to live her life the way she wanted to or wished for herself. I got to think a bit about her, about how under-appreciated she was, that almost no one gave her the credit that she really deserved. Almost no one saw her for what she truly was, didn't see how amazing she was.

And then, I got to thinking about why she was so brilliant. She was a screwed up kid, as a child she wasn't loved the way that every kid in this world deserves to be loved, in a way abandoned by her certifiably nuts mother, being sexually abused and later having three failed marriages killed every bit of confidence she might have had. 

Many years after her death some people have finally realized the true loss, but for Marilyn herself it was way too late. About people who have lived a full life we say that after their deaths they are going to live in our memories and what they've done for others will live beyond time. But I think it doesn't mean anything when the ones that is to be remembered after leaving this world lived their lives rather miserably. The minute you die that's it, there is no afterlife, but even if it does exist we can't possibly know that is a better one to make up for all the misery we had to go through in this life. If there is an afterlife then it's not worth waiting for it if we need to go through our own share of crap that somehow we "won" in some kind of twisted lottery.

Marilyn got to be this brilliant because of her own screwed up existence, she got what she could out of her misery, her misery made her existence to be extraordinary but as I said very few people got to see it. She is long gone and what I am feeling most sorry for is that she will never know how amazing she was despite the fact that people did highly under-appreciated her. She is long gone but vultures keep making millions out of her misery and almost never they are paying her the respect that she deserves.

On august 5th it will be 50 years since her death, still no one knows the real reasons of her death and perhaps no one will ever know, but what it's already known is that she will be missed. The world still hasn't learned its lesson and many amazing personalities one by one keep leaving this world, personalities such as Whitney Houston, Amy Winehouse and many others, some of them never got shine to their full potential but still will be remembered for a long time. It kills me knowing that they weren't treated they way that they deserved, 'cause if they were they still would be with us today and world would've been a nice place to live, it would have been easier to cope with pain caused by wars and other mass destructive forces.

I began writing this article with the intention of telling you my story but I've ended up telling a bit of Marilyn's story. About me I can say that I fear that my life is coming to an end, don't know when is it going be but it feel like it's going to be soon. It's been more than a decade since my life became unbearable and not wroth living, I hate life and every single thing that there is to it. I don't wanna live but the world won't let me go. I'm screaming but no one seems to hear. You have probably heard it before and that's why many of you will not pay any attention and not matter how much I wanna blame other people for my failures I won't, no matter how much they deserve to be blamed. I've made my mistakes but any of these mistakes initially were desperate measures to take ownership of my life but as I said in the beginning it was never mine.

Just a peak of the day I had so far: Me to My So-called Mother: "Keep your nose out of my life, when I'll have something to tell to you I will" My So-called Mother: "Then go fuck yourself".

I refuse to take all blame for what some psychologists call [miserable] life. I will not have it. Now, after having written about some of the things that happened to me lately it feels easier to live this life by a millionth, for the most mortals it's insignificant, but then again, I'm not most mortals, if there is no one to give me this little of credit I will.

The end.

P.S. Be good to one another and maybe you'll get to save a life preventing somebody to take their own life.

9 comments:

  1. Come on dear, don't say such things! :'(((
    From my part i'm sorry for not telling nothing last days, but, as u may know, i was pretty busy indeed. I didn't forgot you too. Even if i did not tell nothing in special, you were on my mind. ^^ You can talk to, you know? Im always here! count with me my friend! Big hug :)

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  2. you have nothing to worry about,okay ? you're one but you're to far to make a significant chance, i'm grateful but you're not enough, as some poeple in my country say: with one little bird there will be no spring. I know you're there, so thanks.

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  3. thats not very good things to say... but okay...

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  4. I agree, no after life or maybe it exist, but it doesn't matter. No such thing as worth for others and this place can never be a great place for good people. There's no other thing constant, but death. And no matter how great or worst of life you had, it won't even matter when the time comes for you to die. People will never appreciate, they can sympathize, but never appreciate. And the more that you do good for others and the more you care, the more that they can hurt you.

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  5. I agree with you on all counts. Thank you for your opinion.

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  6. If there is one thing I can tell you from my own fucked up existence is that things do get better. I will spare you the details, but let's just say-physically and sexually and mentally abusive and psychotic father put in jail when I was 10, foster homes, another abusive step-father (Mom sure knows how to pick em- eh?) Manic Depression, rape, drug abuse...
    Here's the thing- IT GETS BETTER. You hold your own life in your own hands, and while you may be at the mercy of your parents now, that will not always be the case. Soon you will be able to stand up for yourself and make your own decisions. Just hold on and see if things don't get better. If they did for me, then why not you too?
    There is someone out there who gives a damn about you- I may not know you personally, but I can see that you are a remarkable soul. Be strong.

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  7. I paused everything to read what you have written for me, you spared a few minutes for me and this the first thing I am grateful for, secondly I'm sorry to hear what you have been through as I'm sure you did not deserve that, of course my problems are nothing compared to yours but I wouldn't be shocked if my parents would kick me out someday. I'm trying to stay optimistic but there is nothing to stay optimistic for, I get what you're saying but also I'm sure you'll understand why I'm being so stubborn believing that everything is going to be OK at some point in my life but since I've lived so much already and accomplished so little it feels like it's too late to start living all over again. When I'll say that I'm having nightmares every night I'm sure you'll understand 'cause perhaps you've had them too. I tried finding a job but considering the country I live in there aren't many jobs even for adults. There is no way I'm getting financial aid from my parents 'cause for one they made it clear i won't get any so I'm kinda screwed, I have a few cents to pay a few upcoming months of internet bills and that will be it. Listen, I need your advice. I wanna set up a donation page on my blog and my question is, would you donate (in theory, not on practice) ? I just need to think that is a good idea 'cause otherwise I might not do it, one friend of mine said that she would not donate, kinda mean but it's her opinion and I respect people's opinions.

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  8. I'm not saying I had it worse than anyone. It happened. It just was and is what it is. Kinda a dim view on things, but I can't change the past only guide my future.

    You are still so young, and it's never too late to start all over. I'm *ahem* 33 and I haven't accomplished anything to brag about (except my daughter, but having kids isn't exactly hard- it's RAISING them that's the challenge)

    Are you American? If you are and you're over 18 then you're lucky, you can get all kinds of government support. But there are also jobs out there if you're willing to take what you can get. Money is money when you need it, and believe me, I've waited on plenty of tables and scrubbed toilets enough to know that when you're hungry or homeless, NOTHING is beneath you.

    The donation thing? I think anymore you'd have to be a wounded vet or an abused kitten to get anyone to donate money, but it's worth a try. I don't really have money to donate, I wish I did.

    Here's an idea- I once read about a guy who asked for a penny from everybody that he met- and he put himself through college, he even started a webpage called give-a-penny or something. Make it clever and people will give.

    Good Luck!

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  9. you thinking that I'm american is the sweetest compliment I can get these days, in a way I am american 'cause I'm watching tons of american television but not on papers. I'm from Eastern Europe, a big whole called Moldova, you've probably never heard of it and I won't blame you, if I were american my life would have been totally different, i have dreams that only in USA can come true, but as you said, it is what it is and for time coming I won't be able to change that.

    And oh, no worries, I just needed your opinion about donations, I can't even set up a PayPal account as it is not available in my country but I'll figure it out somehow. I'll think about a clever idea but it's going to be difficult as there is nothing clever about my pathetic existence :)

    Thank you so much, hope you're here to stay as you were beyond sweet to write down some of your thoughts and basically making my evening.

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