Suicide is Painless

This is one of those subjects for which you don't have an introductory sentence. 

I'll begin with a short story about a childhood friend, her name was Kate and she was two years younger than me, her father has worked in agriculture, her mother didn't work anywhere, her family was pretty much financially challenged and the fact that we [still] live in a country where everybody worries about today and besides worrying about tomorrow wasn't helping either. I remember her being a very frustrated kid with serious anger management issues, often shouting at her friends for no apparent sane reason. On a random day I went to her to talk about something, I don't remember about what, it's not relevant anyway, but I distinctly remember her saying to me and I quote "I think I'm gonna kill myself" and since the concept of suicide was very strange to me at that point in my life I assumed she was bluffing and told her like any other sane and a bit carrying person would say "don't do anything stupid, everything will work out". Apparently I was horribly wrong, she killed herself that very same evening.

I remember coming back home from somewhere and passed by her home and saw a lot of people but I had no clue about the reasons of their gathering, I learned about it the second day, my father told me and I couldn't believe it, there was too much denial, after a while I accepted the truth but there was no way I could move on, you can't move on from something like this. Of course, I blamed myself and still am, I blame myself every time I hear someone ended his life.

Some people will judge them, even after death, since you can judge while being alive I guess there is some truth to whether there is or isn't life after death. Many people will not understand no matter how much they try, the victims of suicide often go to the grave with all the reasons why they did it and it's sad 'cause I'd want them to be understood but we all know that's not going to happen, some people are just born to judge others, without it they can't live.

For ending their lives so abruptly, sometimes without leaving an explanation of some kind, they will be called many names, among them is selfish, for not thinking about the ones that are left behind, who now have to mourn their loss and deeply regret that couldn't do anything to save their loved ones, but also there will be people feeling guilty for pushing them over the edge but that applies only to people who have a bit of conscience. 

I'm mourning the loss of every boy and girl, man or woman who didn't see a solution other than ending their lives before the actual term, I'm not pointing fingers at others, I'm pointing fingers at us all, some of us indeed couldn't do anything but there are some who could but didn't do anything, didn't care, let the natural selection take its course. 

Is suicide a sign of weakness or a sign of strength?

It's debatable, apparently the victims of suicide didn't have a well support system put in place and every bit of strength changed into weakness but there is no way in hell it was their fault for that, I'm sure each victim did everything he could to stay alive and fought for as much as it was possible. Also, I see it a sign of strength, it takes guts to take your own life and not back out in the last moments of their lives, it shows courage for deciding not to put up with crap anymore and took charge of their life and decided that living it they way they did isn't worth it anymore. Maye at some point it was worth the fight but as the time passed they saw it was all for nothing. 

Should you blame yourself for not being there for them? Yes, you should. You declined the chance of being a part of their support system that involves understanding, listening, telling the truth, giving solutions, practical solutions not just some theoretical crap, help them build their strength from scratch 'cause being on a verge of suicide there isn't any left. I'll mention understanding again as the real reasons for wanting the leave the world might scare you so if you think you're not ready to ear them find a replacement for yourself who will. If you still don't know how to help just ask them, they know how, it's just no one bothered to ask them if they need anything, they might say they need nothing but you need a bit empathetic and feel their needs, call them on their lies, in a demotivator I read "Sometimes when I say I'm ok I want someone to look at me and say "I know you're not" and hug me", they will say they're ok but most of the time it won't be true. 

I'm not condoning their actions but I'm not blaming them either, I wouldn't want them to leave, not just yet, not until it's the actual time but I will understand as we are at fault for making their worlds so unbearable for them that they couldn't stand to be in them for any longer. I'm gonna do the very best I can so the people I love stay with me as long as possible and I hope they'd be open enough with me and tell me everything it's bothering them, for starters I can promise confidence and mutual trust, and if they need anything the know where to find me. 

Sometimes what they're looking for isn't moral support at all, they need to be saved from the places they are in surround by vicious people who live to hurt them, victims of abuse, both verbal and physical, they need a new identity and a new life that unfortunately not anyone can afford of providing them with. Sometimes actions is need as soon as possible but most of the time we come to their rescue too late. 

All I'm saying is, I guess, save them but if it's too late already understand them and respect their decision and don't judge them as you may not know how would you have done if you were in their shoes. 

Now go, save some lives. Be good to one another and by doing that you might save a life.


Pressure, I feel pressure, pressured that tomorrow may never come, pressured that my days are numbered, that I might snap one day and end everything and everything that happened until then was all for nothing. It's hard, it's depressing and still it can get a lot harder, a lot more depressing, a lot worse. We know that we can't control everything, and yet there a lot of things we can control, but I feel like there are very few things, not to say that there are none, that I can control. I can control when I eat, I can't control how much I eat, not that I have an uncontrollable compulsive need to eat, but because there are very few things I find in the fridge, and that's not even we are poor, we're not, but because there isn't a "we" anymore, my family has completely disintegrated and it's started a long time ago, way before I could do anything. My family is one those families where opinions are not needed or respected for that matter, a family where the members don't treat each other as equals, where there is a constant fight for a place in hierarchy, a family where there is too much, way too much left unsaid, unspoken that adds tremendously to the pressure you feel inside, and maybe I should speak for myself. 

Out of all family members I had to be the one to give crap about the words that were said, to give crap about the feelings we had, why couldn't I as cold as they were? To be careless, rude and insensitive and be able to move rather quickly. It's incredible how some people can lie to your face and people that are being lied to, know they're being lied to and no one is saying anything. Sounds tangled and it is, it usually is. You call them on their lies but they will deny it making an idiot out of you. I'd rather hear the truth and I know I'd be hurt less but no, it's like they want to hurt you more on purpose. It's incredible how some people can mime certain feelings like love for each other, care, moral support, basically acting but guess what, they are not that good actors after all, only they think they are the greatest ones out there.

I's so tired of being accused that I'm not anything to get myself out of the place I'm in now, out of the deep depressions, out of the rabbit hole but what I think is that I'm doing a good job surviving and that's damn hard to do it alone, with no support system, no best friends, no parents, no loved ones. My heart goes to those who are in my situation, for most of them it will never get better but God, I do hope I'm wrong, I wanna believe that there is a glimpse of light at the end of the tunnel, even for me, but I can't, I have no base for that, my experience has taught me otherwise.

I look at this seemingly happy five-year old and I'm wondering about where did he go? Is he inhere somewhere? Is he dying? Is he in a deep come? Is there anything to do for him to save his life? I miss him, I miss him everyday and it scares me that I may never see him ever again. There isn't very much I can do, all I can do and can control is how much air I inhale, and how much carbon dioxide I exhale, how much pasta I eat for dinner, my only meal for the day, the simplest meal 'cause by the time I get hungry I'm way to hungry to have time to do something a lot more complicated, while being hungry I cut corners and i don't have time to follow the rules.

I'm reaching out to people I know through facebook, twitter, pinterest, stumbleupon, bloggers, blogcatalog, toateblogurile,, other websites and forums, leaving links through signatures, but nothing seems to work, it's either we have got too many to have time for everybody and care for everybody, or it just seems that way and we are too lazy to make an additional effort. 

Oh sometimes I swear to God, my life seems like the perfect scenario for a good brazilian telenovela or perhaps a perfect Cannes candidate for the award in the best drama category. I might add something after I come back from sleep, as believe it or not but every blog article has some major birth pains, it's stubborn getting written, every article is a struggle as it defines my entire life, the biggest struggle there is. In general my biggest wish may be getting a camera and be happy and make others happy and have no more impassable difficulties but right now, right in these moments I'm wishing for a nightmare-less night, no dreams where I'm being chased, shut at, no planes coming crashing down or missing flights out of the hole some people call home country, no nothing, but i know better that's not gonna happen as everyday struggles reflect in the dreams we have, so if you are still reading this, adjust your attitude and it will be simpler and you won't have to dream bad at nights, trust me, I know what I'm talking about, some people will try to compare your seemingly simple issues to what others go through, will try to prove that what you have is nothing compared to others, but remember your problems are also problems but because their put to big comparisons you can adjust your attitude and take it in less with less damage and still thinking that you can overcome them, that the problems you don't loo as bad as you thought at first, that other indeed have it a lot worse.

This is it for now, I just wanted to keep the connection, although I wanted to take a break of thirty  days all I needed was some time to recharge and come back to whine some more. See you soon.

Parents Abandoning Their Children

I wasn't planning to write anything anytime soon but there was something that got me, got deep under my skin. There are times when I try to rationalize why some parents leave their children behind and never go back for them, about why are they so terrible at parenting or are they ? There are thousands of reasons why parents leave their children, reasons like they're afraid of commitments, responsibilities, think they're too screwed up to take care of kids when they weren't taken care of as they were supposed to when they were kids themselves, they don't have an example, don't have a starting point, that way being selfish 'cause sometimes life or in this case, raising kids, is about taking chances, learning on your own, nobody is perfect and I'm sure your kids will accept you as a parent with all of your imperfections. Still, thousands of kids are left wondering why their parents left them, was it because they are not loved anymore, was it because of something they did ? 'Cause they'll behave and never ever do wrong again. Most of the time it's not because of something their kids did, they just leave, just because they weren't ready.

I wanna draw a bit more attention to those parents who knew that by staying with their children they would mess them up, do harm, bring damage, they knew better that by staying they would hurt them, that's why they left, somewhere deep inside them they knew they wouldn't make good parents as everyone knows parenting is not for everybody and if you don't see yourself as parents that's ok, you can make a good friend, a good uncle or aunt or maybe it must pass years before you decide of having kids of your own, you shouldn't listen to what society tells, it doesn't know any better than you do.

But back to parents who left and never came back, their children will wonder and will never stop blaming themselves, even for a little, even if they shouldn't do that, they must think that their parents made them an ultimate gift, the chance to grow up without being beaten, abused verbally or physically, suffering form hunger, being hated, slapped around. The kids who were abused receive the skill to read micro-expressions in a very short amount of time, either disgust or anger, they have no problems detecting these micro-expressions, this way auto-protection kicking in. In a way it can be considered a a gift, being able to read people so easy, but from another point of view it's a burden as knowing what people think and feel about you might stay in your way of letting things go and simply be happy, might stay in your way of becoming friends even if those friends might never last, but you won't know that 'cause you never let your guards down, because they were down once and you got hurt and you don't wanna let that happen again, you simply can't take that risk.

I'm addressing myself to kids all over the world who were left by their mothers or fathers, some of you will never find closure, you may never find answer to the "why" question but try think this way, they left because if they have stayed they would have hurt me in so many ways and I wouldn't be what I am today, I am a great person and I wish I could say it was thanks to them but I can't, either way it's because of them.

Not all of you can think this way because the pain you felt while being kicked from one foster family to another might still be fresh and it made you hate your birth parents even more, for not taking a chance on raising you and giving you a future that you deserve but remember that there are millions of kids who's parents never left and they still got abused, they still got hurt, so please, some of you, feel lucky that your parents left, you got your amount of pain but it's comforting when you think of tons of pain that those kids feel because their parents never bothered to get to know what a real parent is. We are all victims of abuse but this doesn't mean we get to mess our own children, we must learn from our parents mistakes and never ever repeat them, if you did you have no excuse. Don't be a piece of crap of a parent because of your parents, be a great parent because of them, it doesn't mean you must give them credit, give yourself credit that despite having crappy parents you have risen above, if your parents were horrible to you and you still managed to become a great one you deserve a medal, because before you became a great parent you got to go through tons of crap, your life was dozens of times more difficult comparing to others.

Think about it, some of you have the chance of letting what happened go easy, use that chance and be free of the burden you have been carrying around for years, I wish I had this chance but I don't. Do it for me, do it for those who can't let go, or simply because their circumstances don't allow them to. It's complicated, it will always be but it can be a lot less complicated and that is something you should settle for.

This is kinda it. I have written one article about parenting before this one, if you still got some time to spend don't hesitate to give a read to"Be The Best Parent Your Kid Can Have".

Be well and be good to one another and step by step you will make this world a better place to live in.