Recovering

Still recovering from one of the biggest failures of all time, although it wasn't all my fault, I saw it coming but at the same time I refused to believe that something bad is along the way. It will take time, a lot of it, to come back to my usual state which is not a great one but is one I can manage. Being twenty-three years old and having nothing is not a selling point, I still have no money, no girlfriend, no roof over my head, still under my parent's roof who by the way are not very fond of me, well, could not care less as I'm not very fond of them either. The relationships between us degraded to a point of no return. All I want and dream of is to find a way to earn some financial independence and even with living under my parent's roof I'd be able to buy my own food and pay my internet bill on my own, but I guess that's not going to happen any time soon.

What are my talents that I can use to earn some money ? Well, whatever they are, are only good for writing little pathetic articles for a blog that almost no one reads. I'm so tired staring through the window and daydreaming but I have nothing else to do for myself. I've tried applying for studies in a country where I thought that it would work but I failed miserably and while other people have some people besides them to help them recover faster and put themselves back on track as fast as possible I am doing it on my own, I'm doing all I can and there is a shred of me that thinks that I am doing a good job.

You don't know me so don't try to judge me, I know I wouldn't do it so please pay me the same respect. I've been through a lot, it often felt like I'm alone against the world and the only people that should have been there for me to support me and say nice words every now and then were a part of the world I was against at.

There is no greater pain for me that living in a world where I'm not desired, it wouldn't be such a big thing if ... I don't know ... it feels like I'm going over and over about the same thing, about how I'm feeling betrayed by my own, about how every little thing reminds me of the things I never had from the people that should have helped me become an extraordinary human being, they didn't believe in me and yet other people expected to believe in myself. I'm tired of being the only bad guy, people should be on my side for a change.

Thinking of changing my name but that implies changing my living situation first, I'd like to reinvent myself but I can't do that while I am where I am now. I couldn't feel more worthless than I do now, nobody has a lower opinion than myself. But I guess  all that is true if I wasn't able able to succeed in something. I hate myself for writing things like these but I wanna write and life seems to have nothing else for me other than this pure crap.